Pregnant Need Help Workbook Which Method is Right For Me? A Guide to Emotional and Spiritual Resolution After Abortion


Pregnant? Need Help?
Pregnancy Options Workbook

Click here for the printable version or the downloadable PDF version

Letter to Readers

Deciding What to Do About a Pregnancy
Am I pregnant?
How Pregnanct Am I?

Getting Ready to Make the Decision
Is this the right time for me to bring life into the world?
Other Questions
Exercises
Giving yourself time and space to think
Understanding Shock
"What Are You Feeling?"
Write Your Story
Getting Support

Deciding What To Do
How we make decisions in our families
Heartsick?
Have you ever been pregnant?
Other Women's Pregnancy Stories
What If?...What Then?...
Draw a picture of your life
The Pie Exercise
Pros and Cons
What If I Make the Wrong Choice?
What If I Think I Made the Wrong Choice?
Guided Day Dream/ Visualization
Special Tear Out Section For Parents
Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

Having a Baby/Being a Parent
Some Common Questions
Support
Exercises
Resources: Parenting

Abortion
Some Common questions
Feelings About Abortion
Exercises
"Which Method is Right for Me?"
The Abortion Exerience
Emotional Health
Forgiveness
Resources: Abortion

Adoption
Some Common questions
Exercises
Adoption Planning
Comments from women
Adoption Letters
Resources: Adoption

Stages of Pregnancy
Fetal Development
Exercise

What Can Hurt the Pregnancy?
Birth Defects
Exposure
Harmful Substances
Special Tear Out Section for Male Partners

Spiritual and Religious Concerns
What is Spirituality?
What Different Religions Say
Black Protestant Ministers
Judaism and Abortion
Islam (Muslim) and Abortion
Buddhism and Abortion
Catholics and Abortion
A Pagan View of Pregnancy Decisions

Healing Work
Healing Ceremonies
Writing a Letter
Women's Stories
Guided Day Dream on Loss
Resources: Healing

Taking Care of Yourself
Morning sickness/ things to try
Getting Pregnant Only When You Want To - Birth Control
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Protecting Future Fertility
Healthy Sexuality: Thinking About Sex in Your Life
Resources: Taking Care of Yourself

Exploring Your Feelings Afterwards
Exercise: Closing Thoughts and Questions

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Letter to the Reader

If this workbook is in your hands, you are probably pregnant and not sure what to do. You´re in the right place. Read on. The people who put together this book support you no matter what you choose. We have tried to give you a realistic picture of all the choices you can make--abortion, adoption, and being a parent. You will find exercises to help you make the best decision for you. We have also included information on religion and spirituality, fetal development and what can harm a pregnancy. There is a special section called taking care of yourself which includes information on morning sickness, birth control, protecting your fertility, and healthy sexuality.

If you are having a hard time with your decision, you may think you can never feel good about your choice. We have found that women who are willing to explore what they think and how they feel can come to a peaceful resolution. To get there, you must be willing to work at it. So, get out your crayons, sharpen your pencils, and do some "homework." It may be the most important homework you ever do. Remember to listen to your heart and your own voice to find the right answer for you. Trust yourself.

One more thing-- We really want to include more women´s voices in this site. Your stories, quotes, and feedback will make the next edition of Pregnant? Need Help? Pregnancy Options Workbook even more valuable for women who are pregnant and need help. Click on Contact to send us your thoughts.

Thank you and Good Luck!

Peg Johnston, Editor

 

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Am I Pregnant?

Where To Get A Test: Home Testing
A home pregnancy test is very accurate when you follow the directions. A home test or a test at a clinic is accurate when you have missed a period by one day or more. Or, 10 days after the day you probably got pregnant.

Check the Yellow Pages:
The Yellow Pages of your local phone book are a good resource. Lots of places offer free or inexpensive pregnancy tests. Examples: Family Planning clinics, Planned Parenthoods, Women´s Health Centers, abortion clinics, Health Departments, or your own doctor´s office.

Yellow Page Listings:

  1. Abortion Services- You can get abortion services at places listed in this section. Most abortion clinics will also do pregnancy testing and many will offer ultrasounds (sonograms). Many also offer “options counseling” which help you decide what choice is best for you.

  2. Birth Control--Will direct you to listings where you can get pregnancy tests, options counseling, and birth control services.

  3. Physicians, Ob/Gyn-- You can get a pregnancy test at a doctor´s office. They may be able to order an ultrasound at the hospital or do one in the office. They can give a referral.

  4. Alternatives to Abortion--Pregnancy Resources Centers or Crisis Prignancy Centers--These are agencies that provide testing but are against having an abortion. They may be able to help women who want to continue their pregnancies.

    While many facilities provide pregnancy testing or ultrasounds, their staff do not necessarily have medical training.

Internet searches
The internet has millions of listings and it is sometimes hard to find what you are looking for, and even harder to find information you can trust, especially about abortion. Try www.Choicelinkup.com for reproductive health and rights information. Search in your local area by typing in Pregnancy Tests or Adoption Services or Abortion Cinic or Obgyn, then type in your city and state.

Also ask family, friends, doctors, and counselors what is the best place to you help.

How Pregnant Am I?:

“When Was Your Last Period?”
Get used to this question! You will be asked it again and again. That´s because the first day of your last NORMAL period is the beginning of your cycle. This is your LMP [Last Menstrual Period]. Pregnancy is generally figured from this date, even though you probably got pregnant 10 to 14 days later. Fetal age (or gestational age) is two weeks less than LMP.Some women are farther along than they think, so...

If you don´t remember the date of your last period, or

If your period was unusual--lighter or shorter than usual, or

If your cycles are not regular, or

If you have any doubt,

GET AN EXAM OR AN ULTRASOUND (sonogram) to know how far along your pregnancy is.

"How do I know if I am miscarrying or having a tubal pregnancy?"
An ultrasound or two blood pregnancy tests that measure the amount of hormones in your system over 48 hours are both ways to tell if a pregnancy is miscarrying or ectopic. Miscarriages (spontaneous abortions) will eventually lead to bleeding and clotting that may need attention from a doctor or clinic. A tubal pregnancy or ectopic is a pregnancy that does not drop into the uterus but continues to grow outside the uterus, often inside the fallopian tube. When it bursts the tube it can cause death if not treated quickly at a hospital. A tubal pregnancy can cause severe one-sided pain, pain that radiates up to the shoulder, or weakness and fainting.

Generally, tubal pregnancies should get discovered and treated before 7 weeks from the last period (LMP). Treatment may be with a medication, Methotrexate, that will shrink the pregnancy or with surgery to remove the pregnancy. Depending on the damage to the tube, there may be problems with getting pregnant again with the tube on that side. Miscarriages do not affect later pregnancies.

You may have lots of question about your pregnancy and how to decide what to do. The next section will help you figure out what you are feeling and what you want to do. Or you may be interested in the following sections:

"What can hurt the pregnancy?"
"What does it look like?"
or
"How far along am I?"

(See stages of pregnancy pages 61-62)

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Getting Ready to Make the Decision

Everyone who is facing a pregnancy must answer one basic question:

"IS THIS THE RIGHT TIME FOR ME TO BRING LIFE INTO THE WORLD THROUGH MY BODY?"

No decision is greater for a woman than this one. No responsibility is as important as raising a child. No activity takes more energy, more love, more patience, more of everything than having a child. No matter what you choose, there is sacrifice and pain.

Here are some other questions to think about.

Do I want to have a baby?

Will the child have a father who is “there”?

Can I afford to have a child?

What will happen to my goals, my hopes, my life?

What will happen to my partner´s life?

Who can help me raise a child?

Can I raise a child by myself?

How will my family react? My friends?

How will this affect my other children (if any)?

Is my body healthy enough?

In other words:

"Is this the right time for me to be responsible for a child?"

Consider all your options carefully. The next pages will give you some thoughts about how to make this important decision. The sections after that will help you think about your choices: a baby, an abortion, or an adoption. And even though we might wish for another choice, there are only these three choices.

If this is hard for you, give yourself credit for dealing with one of the biggest questions about life. This can be a very hard decision. Take your time. Go through each section one at a time. Make a safe place for yourself to think. Write your thoughts down as much as you can. Ask for help when you need it. Take full responsibility for your decision. Don´t let anyone else make it for you.

Giving Yourself Time to Think...
Sometimes we don´t want to think about things and we try to keep ourselves busy so that we don´t have time to think.

Sometimes we don´t have time because our kids need so much of our time and energy.

Sometimes we are busy with school, work or activities.

Sometimes we are hiding this decision from others and it´s hard to find the time and space to think about it.

But, remember, this decision will affect the rest of your life. You owe it to yourself to make time! When you are pregnant, time makes a difference.

If you are even considering an abortion, please try to make your decision in the first 10-12 weeks (from your last period). This will make it a safer, less expensive, and an easier procedure for you.

If you are even considering having a baby, start taking care of yourself now. (See parenting section.)

Exercise 1: "How Can I Make Time to Think?":
I could ask ____________________ to watch the kids for me.
I could skip ________________________________________
I could stay home and think instead of doing _____________
I could talk with _____________________________________
Other thoughts on making time for yourself _______________

Exercise 2: Making a Safe Place:
Now you will also need a place that is free from interruption (TV, other people, phone calls). You need to be able to hear yourself think! Where is this place for you? (your own room, the park, ) Describe it. Write your answer here:

 

Now that you´ve got a time and place to go through this workbook, let´s get started. The next section deals with how you are feeling. Are you in shock?

Understanding Shock
Have you ever known someone who was in a car accident, even a minor one? They might have felt scared, shaky, or had trouble eating, sleeping, or doing work. Did that person tell the story of the accident over and over? Those people were trying to deal with the shock of the accident. Telling the story is a way to understand what happened, and "catch up" to events that were too much to take in.

Sometimes finding out that you are pregnant can be a "shock". What we know about how people deal with accidents, crimes, and natural disasters can help you too.

When we are in shock our rational side (“head”) and our emotional side (“heart”) become divided. When we are in shock, it´s like we are “frozen” or cut off from normal ways of dealing with stress. Part of us goes on “automatic.” The “feeling” part of us goes into hiding or goes numb. In other words, the part that gets hurt- or scared- or overwhelmed goes into hiding. The "rational" part that is strong and capable but cut off from “feelings” tries to take over and handle life.

The best way to make good decisions is to have both the "head" and the "heart" available. It is necessary to bring the feeling part and the capable part together to get out of shock. It is normal to be “in shock” when you find out you´re pregnant. But it is important to get out of shock so you can make a good decision for your life.

The best way to do that is to tell the story of your pregnancy (just like any other overwhelming event). You can tell it to a friend, a relative, your partner, or a counselor. (Pick someone you trust and who cares about you.) Try to remember how you were feeling at different times. Ask the person just to listen, not to judge, tell you what to do or tell others witout your permission.

The exercises on the following pages will help you get out of shock and help you make the best decision you can.

Comments from Women:

-"I just can't believe it."
-"I don't know how this could have happened."
-"But, we used condoms."
-"But, I was on birth control."
-This doesn't make sense."

Are you in shock? Take this test:

For some women, learning about a pregnancy is very stressful. About how long ago did you start thinking you might be pregnant? ______ days/weeks.

Please circle how often the comments below were true for you within the past week. “It” refers to the pregnancy and pregnancy decision.

1= rarely; 2= sometimes; 3= often; 4= all the time

1. I think about it when I don´t want to. 1 2 3 4

2. I have trouble doing my work. 1 2 3 4

3. I won´t let myself get upset when I remember I have to decide. 1 2 3 4

4. I don´t feel like eating. 1 2 3 4

5. I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because I am thinking about what to do. 1 2 3 4

6. I have waves of strong feeling about it. 1 2 3 4

7. I have dreams about it. 1 2 3 4

8. I stay away from babies. 1 2 3 4

9. I feel as if I´m not pregnant or it´s not real. 1 2 3 4

10. I try not to talk about it. 1 2 3 4

11. Pictures of babies come into my mind. 1 2 3 4

12. I can´t stop crying. 1 2 3 4

13. I am aware that I still have a lot of feelings about it, but I don´t deal with them. 1 2 3 4

14. I am feeling a little numb. 1 2 3 4

15. My friends tell me I don´t laugh anymore. 1 2 3 4

HOW TO SCORE YOURSELF: Add up your score.

16-30 indicates a mild reaction.
31-45 indicates a moderate reaction; you could benefit from the following.
46-60 indicates a severe reaction that may be keeping you from your feelings.

NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SCORE, IF YOU THINK YOU NEED MORE TIME OR MORE HELP, GET IT!

 

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What are you feeling?

It´s not always easy to know what you´re feeling. Start with these basic feelings. Choose those that apply and draw a circle and then divide the circle up into pieces that represent which feelings you are having.

Here are some other feelings you might have (circle all that you are feeling):

scared   confused   overwhelmed   confident   stupid   uncertain

unreal   panic   numb   guilty   comfortable   anxious   relieved

trapped   strong   embarrassed   like crying   selfish

resolved   grieving   relaxed   peaceful   alive   lost   disappointed

happy   sad   alone   worried   unloved   other ____________



Draw a circle and label the pieces with feelings you are having.




Where on your body are you feeling what you´re feeling?

Emotions seem like they “sit” in a part of your body. Put your hand where you notice feelings. Some people feel it in their stomach, or around the heart, or they feel tension in the neck or head or jaw. Does it help to rub that area? Take slow, deep breaths?





Feelings worksheet

It helps to really explore your feelings. Here are some questions and exercises to help you understand your feelings about being pregnant.
Ask yourself: How do I feel? What does that feel like? Is there another feeling?

ANGER:

How angry are you? (circle)

furious        annoyed        really mad        “I´m so mad I can´t speak”

I feel “mean”        upset/angry        hurt/angry        "If I wasn't angry, I'd cry"

Who are you most angry at? _____________

If you´re angry at someone else what do you wish he/she could have said or done?

If you´re angry at yourself, why?

Are you expecting perfection from yourself? Where did you learn you needed to be perfect?

What could you have done differently?

What can you do differently from now on?

What are some ways to express your anger?

SAD:

What is the saddest part for you? (Clue: when you think about it or talk about it, this is the part that makes you cry)

Do you have a sense of loss? What are you losing?

There may be more than one thing. You might feel that whatever you choose, you´ll lose something. Write down what you think you are losing:

SHAME:

Shame is something we learn very early in life. Somehow we get negative messages about ourselves. It´s the feeling that there is something "flawed" or "basically wrong with me." (Clue: this is the thing we wouldn´t want anyone to know about us.) Some things that people might feel ashamed about are: sex, having an affair, abortion, making a mistake, being poor, being a victim -- ”sexual or physical abuse” --, or just being different.

What is the shameful part for you?

Is this feeling familiar? Does it remind you of another time in your life? Did anyone try to make you feel this way?

What is a more positive message you can give yourself? Sometimes it helps if you pretend you´re talking to your best friend. What would you tell her if she told you the same story?

SCARED:

Fear is a common feeling when we are facing something new or when we are feeling alone.

What exactly are you afraid of?

When have you been really scared in your life?

What helps you feel less scared? What have you done before to deal with those fears?

Who can you ask for help?

What information could help you feel less scared? (Example: An explanation of what the doctor does)

HAPPY:

Happiness is feeling content like "everything is right." "No problem!"

I´m happy because:

The best part is:

Is anyone else happy or unhappy? Does what makes you happy make someone else unhappy? Who? Why?

What could happen to your relationship with that person?

How is it different if you have a baby? An abortion? Choose adoption?

Do you feel like you understand yourself a little better now?

If you have figured out what you feel and how it affects you, tell someone you trust. Choose that person carefully. It´s important to both understand yourself and be understood. Ask them to listen and try to understand you, not to judge or give their opinion. The next section looks at who can support you.


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Especially for Parents

If your daughter is facing a decision about a pregnancy, you are probably very worried about her. As she considers parenthood, abortion, or adoption, you may be having strong feelings. If you are also in crisis, some of the same exercises from this workbook may be useful to help you cope with this unexpected shock. (See shock test and decision-making exercises.) Get some help for yourself. We hope the following information and advice will be helpful to you.

Listening to Your Daughter
The single most important thing you can do is listen to what your daughter says about how she feels. It is also very important that your daughter feels comfortable making the decision and that she feels that she is the primary decision-maker. Sometimes this means that you need to step back and let her think this through. By all means, tell her what you think, and how her decision will affect you, but please understand that this truly must be her decision. Most women feel relieved after making their decision, but there may be some other feelings like sadness, loss, anger, or guilt. Studies show that women who have someone to talk to about their feelings do cope better than those who have a loved one opposing them.

Here are some warning signs of poor coping. They are:
1. loss of appetite or eating much more than usual
2. not being able to sleep or sleeping all the time
3. unable to concentrate, suddenly doing poorly in school
4. crying a lot
5. cutting herself off from friends, activities, staying in her room more than usual
6. not caring about how she looks or what she wears
7. excessive anger or irritability
8. hinting about suicide or talking about death

If you see any of these signs, talk to her about the changes you are seeing. Talk to her about seeing a counselor. Don’t ignore these signs of serious depression. Call your local mental health agency, your doctor or clinic for a referral

What makes coping harder? If any of these are true for your daughter she may need more help:
If her boyfriend has left her. Her whole experience will be colored by the rejection of her boyfriend. She may feel alone and in need of a connection. No matter how you feel about him, focus on what she feels she has lost, whether it is him in particular, or feeling needed or attractive. Try to understand how she feels. Criticizing him too harshly may turn her away from you, just when she needs you most.

If a parent won’t let her see him. Partners have a role to play in healing and supporting each other. If she can’t talk to him, she may feel loss of control, anger, loneliness, and sometimes depression.

If she is in an emotionally or physically abusive situation. If her boyfriend or partner, or someone at home is abusing her, she needs a counselor or a program that can help her out of this situation

If there has been a recent death. Women who have had an unresolved loss, such as a family member or friend, may feel an abortion loss or adoption loss even more.

If she has chosen abortion and her religion says that abortion was morally wrong. If her religion says that abortion is wrong and she chooses it anyway, she may feel very guilty. Tell her you think she is still worthwhile and that you love her. If you feel you can, talk to her about forgiveness. (See spirituality and religion section.)

If she blames someone else. Sometimes women blame their partner or parents for “making her decision for her.” These women may feel anger, depression, grief, or guilt for a long time. When she takes responsibility for her part in the experience, she will feel more in control. Ask her what her reasons were for allowing herself to go along with the decision. She may feel less like a victim if she acknowledges--and has-- some choice in the decision

If the pregnancy was wanted. Women who wanted to continue a pregnancy but couldn’t due to an abnormality or other situation, may grieve the loss deeply. Let her know that you can understand why she would feel sad. Let her talk about it.

Post abortion reactions: When women don’t have these situations in their lives, they usually cope very well after an abortion, just as they would after any other well thought-out decision. So, don’t be surprised if she seems fine. But when there are complicating factors, you may notice that she wants to talk about it over and over. Repetition can be a good thing, so be patient and listen again and again. But, if several weeks or months go by, or she expresses regret about her decision, please help her get some counseling.

Postpartum reactions: Depression during pregnancy or after a birth is not uncommon (Birth and Parenting section) and lack of support from partner or family can make that worse. If she is unable to take care of the baby or herself or cope with the changes in her life, encourage her to talk to her doctor, nurse midwife, or clinic counselor. Having a baby is a huge life change and she may need to talk about what those changes mean to her.

Post adoption reactions: It is quite common for women to be sad or depressed after giving up a child to adoptive parents. Attend to her closely and encourage her to talk to her adoption counselor or other professional counselor.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?
Your feelings are important too. Here are some common ones:

Disappointed- “I thought she knew better!” She probably feels that she has disappointed you just by being pregnant. Try to remember a time when you disappointed your parents and what you needed from them then. Tell her she is still your daughter and you love her.

Sad- “I’m sorry she had to learn about life the hard way.” Your sadness is a sign of your concern for your daughter. But, frequently this experience can help her “grow up” and understand about life.

Angry- “She messes up and I have to get her out of trouble!” You have the right to your anger but you may need another adult to talk to. Name-calling and criticism don’t prevent future mistakes.

Rejected- “She doesn’t care what I think.” Your daughter may have made a different choice than you would have, and she may have different ideas about morality, but she hasn’t rejected you. She hasn’t even rejected everything you have taught her. She is just making her best choice for her life.

Hurt and betrayed- “I trusted her; I can see I was wrong.” Broken trust takes mending, which takes more talking, time and effort. Don’t give up on her.

Protective- “No more boyfriend, dating, late hours...” No parent can know what their kids are doing 24 hours a day. Sheltering her will only cripple her ability to make good choices for her life. Let her make a decision about how she can protect herself from another unplanned pregnancy

Guilty or ashamed about abortion- “I’ve always believed abortion is wrong.” You may find that you are re-evaluating your beliefs about abortion. If you still feel that abortion is wrong and your daughter is making this choice, you need to find peace and forgiveness. What does your faith teach you is necessary for God’s forgiveness? You may want to talk to a friend or religious adviser.

Failure- “I tried to teach my kid--I guess I failed.” or “I must not be a good mother/father.” You do not need to hurt yourself with accusations of failure. No parent can totally be responsible for their children’s behavior--good or bad. You can only teach and guide. It’s up to them. And sometimes experience is the best teacher.

Confusion and defeat- “I tried to get her on birth control.” “What did I do wrong?” You did your best. Now the only thing you can do is to try to help her. She may be feeling foolish and sorry that she didn’t take your advice.

Resources

www.ChoiceLinkup.com: A fast way to access accurate information about reproductive health and rights. Includes discussion sites, blogs, etc.

www.MomDadIMpregnant.com: includes advice for parents of both the woman and her partner, as well as first person stories.

www.yourbackline.org: Backline: A Talk Line for help with decision making, post adoption feelings, and other aspects of all pregnancy options. Calls from loved ones are welcomed. www.yourbackline.org or call 888-493-0092 weekdays, 5-10 pm Pacific Time, Fri-Sun 10 am –3pm PST.

www.peaceafterabortion.com: The book Peace After Abortion offers concrete help from an experienced therapist, Ava Torre-Bueno, CSW.

Healthy Coping After an Abortion” answers questions about emotional aftercare and help for those who need it. Downloadable from www.abortionconversation.com

www.menandabortion.com: A site just for men gives information on abortion, focuses on what men might be going through, and offers concrete advice

www.thinairmedia.org: “Birth” an audio documentary and “conversation” about current practices and how women view the birth experience.

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Especially for Male Partners

How are you feeling?
Even if you are trying to be strong for her, you are probably having some feelings about this situation. You may be scared for her, or for how your own life is affected. You may feel guilty. You may feel shut out of things. Or, sad about the relationship. Or, upset at the idea of losing, or continuing, the pregnancy.
Most women want to know how their partner feels. You may think it’s better to support “whatever she wants”, or, you may not want to “influence” her too much. But, it’s important to tell her how you feel, knowing that ultimately she has to follow her own feelings. She does want to hear that you are concerned about her and that you care.

“I feel so guilty”
Some men feel guilty that they caused the pregnancy, especially if they were not using a condom. Unless you pressured her into having sex, you are both responsible for the pregnancy. Focus on what you can do now and in the future. Tell her you are sorry it happened and become involved in preventing a future pregnancy. You may be feeling guilty if she has chosen an abortion. Most people choose abortion because they think it’s better than the other alternatives. If you still think abortion is morally wrong, the solution lies in forgiveness--from yourself, for her, or from God.

“I feel bad because I’m not a good provider.”
Sometimes men feel like a failure because they can’t afford a child--or another child. It may be a goal to get more financially stable so that you can have a child. Or, you may feel that if you are working all the time, you can’t be with her or with your children. More and more families are relying on two paychecks to get by. Or, you may feel that even though it will be hard, it’s worth having another child. Share your thoughts with her and let her help.

“Will we break up?”
If both of you agree and support each other--and talk to each other--the relationship can even get better. Even if you don’t agree, if you show that you care about each other, the relationship can grow. But it is a very difficult time, so be patient and take the time to talk to each other.

“What do I do if she keeps blaming me?”
If your partner is blaming you, it may mean that she wants to hear that you are sorry she is hurt or going through all this. Try saying sincerely, “I’m sorry I helped you get into this, and I’m sorry you’re hurting.” You don’t have to take all the blame. If she continues to blame you, it may be her way of not taking responsibility.

“I wanted this baby.”
It may be hard on you if you wanted to have a baby with her or get married and she doesn’t. You may feel the loss more than she does. People who suffer a loss need to grieve. It’s important that you find someone who can listen to what you’re going through. That may be a counselor or a friend who can keep a confidence. (see the Healing After section for more ideas.

Showing Her You Care
1. Let her know you’re sorry she’s the one who has to go through all this physically.
2. Check in with her often about how she’s feeling.
3. Do something special for her--flowers, dinner, a love letter, a gift.
4. Be affectionate, but be prepared for her not to want to be sexual. You may feel rejected, but remember that she connects sexual intercourse with this difficult situation.
5. Be understanding about pregnancy symptoms. Nausea, tiredness, irritability and moodiness are all pregnancy symptoms. Most will go away within a few days after an abortion. If she continues the pregnancy, some symptoms like nausea may go away after 12 weeks or so.
6. If she chooses abortion, you can read over the aftercare instructions she is given. Have pain medications available and maybe a heating pad or hot water bottle. Help her avoid an infection by avoiding intercourse for two weeks. If she is choosing to continue the pregnancy, you can attend prenatal visits and birthing classes with her.
7. Help with birth control. Use condoms. Help to pay for other birth control options. Practice safer sex (birth control, STD section).

Counseling
It may help for you to talk to someone too. She may not be the only one having a hard time. Ask at the clinic if there is someone you can speak to. Or, seek out counseling from a mental health clinic, a family planning clinic, or a private therapist. Many of the books under each resource section have sections especially for men. If you continue to have a hard time with your partner’s decision, get help.

Resources
www.menandabortion.com: A site just for men gives information on abortion, focuses on what men might be going through, and offers concrete advice.

www.yourbackline.org, Backline: A Talk Line for help with decision making, post adoption feelings, and other aspects of all pregnancy options. Calls from loved ones are welcomed. www.yourbackline.org or call 888-493-0092 weekdays, 5-10 pm Pacific Time, Fri-Sun 10 am –3pm PST.

www.ChoiceLinkup.com: A fast way to access accurate information about reproductive health and rights. Includes discussion sites, blogs, etc.

www.MomDadIMpregnant.com: includes advice for parents of both the woman and her partner, as well as first person stories.

www.peaceafterabortion.com: The book Peace After Abortion includes sections for men.

Healthy Coping After an Abortion” answers questions about emotional aftercare and help for those who need it. Downloadable from www.abortionconversation.com


 

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Getting Support

Although this decision is yours--or yours and your partner´s--you need support. The best support comes from people who will listen to you, offer their feedback, but not tell you what to do. They should not judge you, but will try to support you no matter what you choose. They shouldn´t tell others without your permission. Think about who would be a good person to tell. In the past which friend or family member was supportive? Which one didn´t tell your story without your permission? Which person didn´t judge you? Who isn't always criticizing other people? If you need to talk to someone outside the situation consider calling Backline. (Backline -- A Talk Line for help with decision making and other aspects of all pregnancy options. www.yourbackline.org or call 888-493-0092.)

Who have you already told?

Who else might be helpful?

Would telling this person be hurtful to them?

Asking for Help

A tip about asking for help: If you are worried about what people will say, you can tell them what you need. For example, you could say: “I really need you to listen.” Or, "It would help me if you could....." “I want to talk to you, but I need to know you won´t tell anyone else.” “I´m worried that you will judge me, but I want to tell you something.”

Quotes from REAL WOMEN:

“I told two or three people and they told two or three. It was a nightmare. I got totally lost in the whole thing.”

"At first I thought my mother would freak, but she was really OK."

Telling Parents and Family:
If you are young, or even if you are not, you may be wondering whether to include a parent in your decision. Even if you decide not to tell them, it´s good to imagine what they might say or think. In many states a parent must be notified or give consent if you want to have an abortion, place a child for adoption, or seek medical care. Here are some things to think about:

I want to tell ______________

She/he would probably think:

She/he would probably say:

Telling/ Not Telling

Here are some reasons young (and not so young) women give for not telling their parents. Do any of these sound like your situation? (check all that apply)

___ My mother/father would yell at me, maybe throw me out, or be violent.

___ My mother/father is sick, or having a hard time right now, I don´t want to add to her/his troubles.

___ My parents would be upset. And then I couldn´t make up my own mind.

___ I feel it´s my decision and my life and I just don´t want to involve them.

___ I think they would support me, but I want to make this decision on my own.

___ If I tell them they will make me (have the baby, have an abortion, put the baby up for adoption).

___ My parents will ground me and not let me see my boyfriend.

___ They will be disappointed in me.

___ I really want to tell my mother/father but I´m afraid of ________________

Other:

Look at what you have checked. Is not telling them better for you or better for them? Remember, this is a big event in your life. If you need them, ask for their help. For more help in talking to your parents go to www.MomDadIMpregnant.com.
You should involve a parent if:

______ you would feel safer if they knew

______ if you need their advice

______ if not telling them would hurt your relationship with them

______ if not telling them would make you feel bad, or dishonest

______ you need their help with money for a doctor, transportation, or support

If you cannot tell a parent about being pregnant, is there another adult or family member you can tell?

Partner/boyfriend/husband:
Some couples come together in making this decision and some pull apart. The best situations happen when both of you can talk honestly about how you feel and listen to each other without blame or hurt.
Is your partner saying any of these things? Circle

"I can't afford a child."

"How do I know it's mine?"

“Whatever you do I will support you."

"I'm not ready."

"I'm scared."

"I want you to have my baby."

"See you later."

"I'm too young."

"I'm too old."

"I'm worried about you"


Write what you partner is saying:

What do you wish your partner would say:

Friends:
Most people have one or two friends to help them with their decision. Choose wisely. Tell them what you need. Ask them to listen, not to tell you what to do. Ask that they not tell anyone else without your permission.

“I don´t know what I would have done without my girlfriend. She could listen when my boyfriend couldn´t”

Talking to a Counselor:
Sometimes you need to talk to someone outside the situation, someone who understands, who can explain things, and who will listen to you--a counselor.

If you´re already seeing a counselor, talk to her or him. Family planning, Planned Parenthood, and women´s health clinics usually have counselors on staff who can do “options” counseling. Or they can refer you to a counselor who can see you quickly. Sometimes a teacher, guidance counselor, religious leader, your doctor or nurse can be helpful.

No matter who you see, remember that they are human and can make mistakes. You should feel that they listen to you, treat you with respect, give you accurate information, and let you make up your own mind. They should not threaten to tell anyone else without your permission or call you when you don´t want to be called. If you are not comfortable with a particular counselor, see someone else.

My support team (people who will listen, not judge): _____________ _____________ _____________ _____________

If you have told any of these people, what did they say?



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Deciding What To Do

The decision about this pregnancy is yours. Think of yourself as a “gatekeeper of life.” You can decide whether or not a new life will come into the world through your body. This is your right, but more than that, it is your responsibility. Deciding whether a new life will come through you is hard. But no one is better able to decide than you.

Take a minute to think how decisions get made in your family. Did everybody have a chance to talk about it? Or did one person just decide? Did everybody get mad? You may feel like you don't know how to make such a big decision.

How do you make decisions? Is it difficult for you to decide what to do, even simple decisions? Do you feel you have to be “perfect”? Are you worried that you might make the wrong choice? (If so, you may need more help and support in thinking through this decision.See What if I Think I Made the Wrong Choice?)

This is a decision about your life and it has to feel OK for you. You can decide the way you´ve seen your family do it or you can decide a different way. If deciding is very difficult for you, please read the following and get more help. You have already done some exercises to help you decide. The exercises on the following pages may help you even more.

Still Heartsick?
Many women know what they need to do but they feel "heartsick". In other words, their "head" says one thing, but their "heart" feels "sick" or heavy. If this describes you, please take some more time to work out how you feel. Or, consider talking to a counselor. It is possible to connect your head and your heart. It is possible to feel OK about yourself and your decision.

QUOTES FROM REAL WOMEN:

“When they first told me I wasn´t ready and had to go home and think about it, I was angry. I wanted it to be over. I thought I could have my feelings later. I worked through the exercises and now I feel comfortable, positive, and not ashamed or guilty about my decision.”

“I thought I had to go through it for my husband. Now I know I am doing the right thing for me.”

"I felt so bad, I really thought I was going to die. But, after I talked to the counselor and did some of the homework, I felt better. Still sad, but OK."

“My head and my heart have finally come together with this decision, and I finally feel at peace with myself. I know it will be a long and trying road ahead, but I will endure…”

"The saddest part is that I can't return to that place before the pregnancy."

Have you ever been pregnant?
Have you ever been pregnant before? Your past experience has a big effect on how you feel about this pregnancy. What happened in previous pregnancies? If you have never been pregnant, skip to the next section.

Did you have one or more children? List names and birth dates.

Was each baby healthy?

Was each pregnancy difficult or easy? Did you have problems?

Was the baby stillborn? Do you know why that happened?

Did you have any miscarriages? How far along were you?

Were you very sad? Did people around you help you? How do you feel now?

Did you have any abortions? How old were you?

Was it difficult? Physically? Emotionally?

Did you have physical or emotional problems afterwards? How do you feel now?

Did you place a child for adoption?

How old were you?

How did you feel then?

How do you feel now?

No matter what happened--having a child, an abortion, adoption--did you feel able to make your own decision about the pregnancy? Or, did you feel someone else made the decision for you?

How has being a parent, or not being a parent, changed your life?

Other Women´s Pregnancy Stories
If you haven´t been pregnant before, have you heard stories about family or friends? How about your mother´s pregnancies or a close relative? Think about the stories you have heard about pregnancy-- childbirth-- abortion—adoption—miscarriage-- stillbirth.

Write the name of that person and her story:




Whenever we are pregnant, we remember other pregnancies or stories about pregnancy. These stories will bring up feelings. How do these feelings about your past, or about someone else´s experience, influence how you feel about this pregnancy? By remembering these stories you can understand how this feels different or the same. Each pregnancy is unique. Every time is a different time for you.

What if.... Then What? Exercise

Finish the sentence: "What would happen if...?" and put that answer in the middle of a large drawn circle.

Draw another circle next to it and answer the question, "Then what might happen...?"

Continue for as many times as you can, and as many answers as you can think of.

Use additional paper as needed. Start with each option you are considering.
(Example: What if..I had a baby. Then, I would take a year off school. Then, my boyfriend would... etc.)











Draw a Picture of Your Life
:
Draw a picture of your life in one year with, and then without, the child from this pregnancy.












Draw a picture of your life in five years with, and then without, the child from this pregnancy











The Pie Exercise:
How big is the part of you that wants a baby, an abortion, an adoption?
Draw a circle. Divide the pie into sections.







How big is the piece that is what you want for each option?





Draw circles for each option and label what other people, including yourself, want. How big is the piece that belongs to what others want? Put their names in their pieces of the pie. For example, in one circle, Mom and boyfriend might be more than 50%. What about you?








Pros and cons
Write your list of pros (“Yes”) and cons (”No”) for each option, having a baby, adoption, abortion

Having this baby

Pro:


Con:




Placing for adoption

Pro:


Con:




Having an abortion

Pro:


Con:

Write your story here:
Include how you got pregnant, who your partner is, how you knew you were pregnant, how you felt, who you told, and anything else important to you. When you´re done tell a trusted person the story.If your daughter is facing a decision about an unintended pregnancy, you are probably very worried about her. As she considers parenthood, abortion, or adoption, you may be having strong feelings. If you are also in crisis, some of the same exercises from this workbook may be useful to help you cope with this unexpected shock. (See shock test) We hope the following information and advice will be helpful to you.























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What If I Think I Made the Wrong Choice?

Deciding about whether or not to have a child can feel like such a big decision that it is impossible to make a decision that you can live with. Before you make a final decision, it is worth asking, “What if I make the wrong choice?” How will you feel? What will others say or do? Who will help you through your questioning? Return to the decision making exercises, especially the “What if” exercise and ask these questions for each option.

Now ask yourself, “How can I get better if I regret my decision?” Sometimes we expect our lives to be perfect or that we will never make a mistake. But, we forget that not everything is completely within our control, and that we humans are not perfect. You might write a letter to yourself to be opened in the future. The letter can remind you that you were trying to do the right thing for all concerned. Think about the idea of forgiveness (see guided day dream on forgiveness). If you feel you need to be forgiven, who should you ask forgiveness from? God, the “baby”, yourself, someone else? Who will help you if you are in an emotional crisis? Can you tell them your fears now? Is there a counselor or clergy person you can talk to? Finally, what might comfort you if you feel you made a mistake?

Some people find comfort in some kind of ritual (see Healing work). Others look for meaning in their dreams and goals which guided their decision in the first place. It may be difficult to understand now, but ask yourself, “what is the gift of this pregnancy?” What have you learned about yourself and your strengths? What have you learned about life? Some women find that it helps to “count their blessings”—their children, the love of others, their home or work. Some women find that they make resolutions about the future—about birth control, about relationships, about listening to their own voice.

It is possible that no decision will feel completely “right” or “good.” Sometimes we have to do the “least bad” thing and know that we are doing the best we can do. It is possible to think that we made the right choice but to still feel very very sad about it, or guilty. Feelings about a pregnancy decision are normal; after all, it is a big decision about life. It’s important to find ways to express those feelings.

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Guided “Day Dreams”

Guided imageries, or visualizations are a way of using your imagination to understand feelings. It´s like a day dream with instructions.

You can ask a friend to read this guided day dream to you. Or you can read it and then close your eyes and say it back to yourself by memory. Or record it into a tape and play it back to yourself. The words may help you form pictures in your mind or you may just get a sense of things. There is no right or wrong way to have this experience. Let yourself experience the feelings that come up. Listen to your inner wisdom. Take your time.

This is a powerful tool to connect your "head" with your "heart." Find a place where you can be comfortable and where you won´t be interrupted or disturbed. Each guided day dream takes about 10-15 minutes.

Some women create a special space with candles or low music in a favorite room. Some do this work in a warm bath. Some go outside and sit under the stars or the shade of a big tree. Think of the place you are most peaceful, and you will know where to go.

To begin each visualization, find a relaxing position that supports your body-- lying down is good. Close your eyes and breathe deep and slow. Then begin.

After you have practiced the guided day dream, you will know that you can create peace and relaxation any time you want to. Just notice your breathing, allow your body to relax, and in your mind´s eye, go to a place that is beautiful and peaceful and safe.

Seeking Guidance About Your Decision
For some women it is easy to come to a clear decision about what to do about a pregnancy. For others, the process of deciding can be difficult and confusing. In this guided day dream, you can seek guidance from your own inner wisdom or "inner voice."

Begin by getting comfortable-- lie down if you can, or at least have your head supported. Breathe deep and slow. Allow your body to be supported and relax.

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Seeking Guidance

Imagine that you are surrounded by a beautiful light, soothing and safe. Notice your breathing-- in and out. As you breathe in, know that you breathe in everything you need to decide. As you breathe out, let go of anything you don´t need for this process. Notice how each breath helps you relax even more deeply. Bring your attention to your body as it rests comfortably and peacefully against the soft cushion beneath you. It is good to know that each sensation in your body helps you become even more relaxed and peaceful.

Imagine a beautiful light surrounding your feet. It moves gently and gradually up and through your body and out the top of your head, leaving you feeling safe, centered, and feeling good. Take your time. That´s good. (pause)

And now just notice your breathing, slow and deep. Allow yourself now to begin to imagine a place in nature. A very beautiful, warm, and wonderful place. It may be a familiar place, or a new place for you.

Begin now to have a sense of this beautiful place in nature. Notice any sounds or smells surrounding you here. Notice what you see around you and how it feels to be here. Know that this is your own wonderful, special place. Take a moment now to allow the sensations of being in this beautiful place to fill your body with joy and peace.

There is a pathway up ahead. You feel yourself becoming eager to explore it. You are excited because you have a sense that the path is calling you forward. You find yourself going toward it now and you can´t wait to go down the path, curious about the sights and sounds and experiences you might find along the way. Let yourself have a sense of how it feels to be on this pathway. What do you notice as you walk along? (Pause) That´s good.

Just allow whatever may be there, or not there, to be perfect and right for this journey. Imagine that you are approaching a place where the path seems to split in two. As you come to this fork in the path you find yourself stopping, not sure which way to go. One path seems to be clear and wide, as though many people have gone this way. The other path is a bit more overgrown and seems to be less traveled. Both ways have a certain appeal to you. But, as you study them, suddenly you know exactly which one to go down.

That´s right. Just let yourself know that whichever path you´ve chosen it is the perfect and right one for you now. Know what it feels like to be open to whatever experiences you may have. Let this safe and perfect path lead you.

As you continue, you notice a light up ahead. It appears to be the glow of a campfire. As you approach the clearing there, you notice there is someone sitting at the fire waiting for you. As you get closer, you realize this is a person of great wisdom and knowing. It may be someone familiar, or perhaps someone you have never met before. You have a feeling of great comfort and well-being as you approach this wise soul.

As you take a seat by the fire, you find yourself wanting to ask this person a question about the decision you are making about your pregnancy. You know you can ask whatever you want and this person will have the perfect and truthful answer for you. Let yourself connect with this wise being and begin to ask. Know that you have the courage and permission to ask whatever it is you need to know. (pause)

Take a moment now to listen for the answer. (pause) That´s right. Just allow this answer to settle in as you reflect on what you are hearing and experiencing. Become aware of how it feels to trust yourself, and to have the freedom of opening your own heart and mind to a great wisdom. Take a moment to allow that wisdom to really fill you up. Notice what it feels like in your body, mind, and heart. Know that you can have this feeling any time you want, simply by remembering what it feels like now.

And now, you have a sense that it is time to leave this place, knowing you can come back here any time you are seeking wisdom and guidance. Know that this special being will be here waiting for you with love and acceptance.

As you begin to get up to leave, notice the wise person holding out a gift for you. As you take this gift you see that it is a box. Just get a sense of this box now. Of course, you open it up to see what´s inside. Feel what it´s like to see what is inside and what that means for you. Take this precious gift and place it in your heart.

Take a moment to thank this incredible, wise soul for your precious gift. Know that this gift will be with you on your journey. Any time you doubt yourself or feel uncertain, it is easy to place your hand on your heart and remember this gift and the guidance you have received.

As you leave the campfire and begin to go back down the path, you find that you have a great sense of freedom and well-being. You are almost floating down the path. Just let whatever feelings you are having carry you back to the place where you began.

In a moment it will be time to open your eyes and be awake and present. But before you do, know that you will remember this journey. You will return feeling refreshed and energized. As you open your eyes, allow this energized, refreshing feeling to fill you with peace, confidence, and certainty.

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Having a baby/Being a parent

“What should I do first if I want this baby?”
Get medical care as soon as you think you might be pregnant. Ask friends who are recent mothers which doctors or midwives they liked. Or, look in the yellow pages of the phone book under “Physicians—Obstetricians” sometimes known as “OB-GYN.” You may also want to see a nurse midwife who can also deliver your baby. Or consult your hospital for a birth clinic. If you think you can´t afford to see a doctor, ask your county public assistance or Medicaid program about a special program for pregnant women.

“What is a nurse-midwife?”
They are nurses who are specially trained to deliver babies and give women care during their pregnancies. Midwives can give you lots of support during the pregnancy and during labor. They prefer more natural childbirth and less “high tech” monitoring and medication. Nurse-midwives work with doctors and can call one in if you need one.

“Are there things I should or shouldn´t eat?”
Yes! What you eat affects your baby, so eat well and take the vitamins your doctor prescribes. Especially in the first twelve weeks you need lots of folic acid, vitamin B12 and other minerals and vitamins to prevent certain birth defects. Generally, you want to eat good food-- fresh or frozen fruits and vegetables, lots of dairy foods, proteins, and whole grain foods. You want to stay away from “junk food” and fried or fatty foods that don´t give you much nutrition. Also, avoid or reduce caffeine in coffee, tea, or soda.

“Do I have to quit smoking and drinking?”
Yes, definitely. Stay away from alcohol and tobacco and street drugs. Quitting reduces the risk of still birth, SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), premature birth, small or sick babies, and some birth defects. Quit as soon as you know you are pregnant. Quitting anytime will help prevent problems for your baby but the sooner the better. (See “What can harm my baby?”)

“Can I do it alone?”
This is one of the most important questions to ask yourself. Will I have support in raising a child? What about the baby´s father, your or his family, friends? It is very difficult to do this alone. And remember, support comes in many forms-- financial, emotional, physical, social. Do the exercises in the next section to see how much support you can count on.

“What kind of financial support is available from welfare/social services?”
There are programs like PCAP and Medicaid that might help with medical costs. Your county social services department may be able to help with very basic living expenses. But, the laws are changing for teenagers living at home. Mothers with children under 6 are now being expected to work. The father of the baby will also be expected to provide financial support. Call your local office and ask about possible benefits. WIC (Women, Infants, and Children) can help with nutritious food during pregnancy and up to age 5 for your child. There may be other forms of assistance in your community. Private agencies like Family and Children´s Society, Catholic Social Services, Women´s Centers, Pregnancy Centers, and other groups may be able to help.

“Can I make it through labor?”
The average length of labor for a first time mother is between 12 and 24 hours. It is understandable to fear labor. But, fear of labor should not be the most important factor in your decision to have a child. There are many choices in delivering a baby. Natural childbirth is having a baby without any pain medications. Or, your doctor may offer some pain medications. Or you can have complete pain relief with an “epidural anesthesia” where you are numb from the waist down. Talk these over with your doctor or midwife.

“What is labor like? Can you describe it?”
It´s different for all women. Each step may take more time or less time. Each women has a different pain tolerance. Most labor is “do-able.” At first, the contractions are not so bad and you can smile. The next stage is like having a bad headache ”you can still function but it´s hard. Then you reach what they call “transition” where it is very difficult and you may not think you can do it. It´s like swimming in a rough ocean with waves hitting you one after another. This generally lasts about two hours. Then you feel an urge to push, and this part is better because you feel like you can work with your body. When the baby´s head starts to “crown” or come out you may start to feel overwhelmed by the stretching, pushing, and burning feelings. But this only lasts 10 minutes or so, and then the baby comes out.

Contractions work by pulling up on the cervix to open it wide and by pushing down on the baby to push it out. The cervix has to open 10 centimeters (about 4 1/2 inches). The first part of this opening process, up to 5 centimeters, takes a longer time and is easier than the last half. The last part of the dilation happens quickly, usually in about 2 hours.

“What is it like being a mother?”
Parenthood is hard work but it has many rewards-- your baby´s first smile, holding a small hand in yours, the love you see in your baby´s face when you walk in the room. You will have a huge influence on your baby, and your baby will have a huge influence on you.

What most new parents report is that they are exhausted and tired all the time. There will be sleepless nights and you will provide 24 hour care when necessary. You must consider the baby´s needs above your own. It´s important to be able to give nurturing love and to handle your own anger. Sometimes a baby or a child can be difficult, making you feel frustrated and angry. You have to know how to control your reactions.

You will definitely have less freedom in your life for a number of years. Many young mothers feel isolated and neglected. Others find great fulfillment in caring for their baby. Either way, asking for support is a good idea.

Babies won´t always be babies. Within a year, your baby will be walking around. In five years, he or she will be in school. In ten years, he or she will almost be a teenager!

“Will I be depressed after giving birth?”
It is completely normal to have the “baby blues” in the week or so after delivery. 80-90% of all women find that they cry a lot and feel moody during the first week. About 10-20% of all women also have “post partum depression” which makes them feel sad or want to cry. This can last for several weeks or up to a year or more.

Remember, you and your body have gone through a lot. And during the first month you are getting used to being tired all the time, feeding the baby 12 times a day, and hormonal changes. If the depression doesn´t go away after a week or two, talk to your doctor or midwife. Usually support, lifestyle changes, and counseling help. Sometimes some medicine, or rarely, hospitalization are needed. Also see: Exploring Your Feelings Afterwards

Having a baby/Being a parent exercises:

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In 10 years?

Your Life Now:
Have you ever done any baby-sitting or childcare for younger brothers and sisters? What did you like about it? What didn´t you like about it?

What do you do on an average Saturday or Sunday? What do you look forward to?

Could you give that up and stay at home with the baby? Could you take a baby with you to those activities?

If you are still in school, can you continue? If you are working, when will you be able to return? Who will take care of your newborn? Who would take care of your child if you get sick?


The baby´s father:
Does he want to be a father to this child?

Does he have children already? How many?

Does he spend time with them? How often?

Does he provide financial support for his children? Do you know how much?

Do you expect him to help you raise your child? Does he want to?

Do you trust him to take care of a child? (Does he drink, do drugs, is he violent?)

If he is not part of your baby´s life, what can you tell your child about his/her father?

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Support-- Who Can Help?

What kind of support can you expect from each of the following people?
(Circle all that you think might happen)

Baby´s father?

Live with us?   Get up in the middle of the night?   Change diapers?

Read book to child?   Play games with child?   Help with homework?

Financial support until child is 18?   Take care of the child when I need a break?

Take care of the child 50% of the time?   Other _____________

My mother? My father?

Provide baby-sitting? everyday? weekends? once in a while?   Buy things for the baby?

Let us live with her/him?   Give us money regularly?   Play with the child?  

Other _____________

Baby´s father´s family?

Provide baby-sitting? everyday? weekends? once in a while?   Buy things for the baby?

Let us live with her/him?   Give us money regularly?   Play with the child?  

Other _____________

My brother or sister (name _________)?

Provide baby-sitting? everyday? weekends? once in a while?   Buy things for the baby?

Let us live with her/him?   Give us money regularly?   Play with the child?

Other _____________

My friend (name ___________)?

Provide baby-sitting? everyday? weekends? once in a while?   Buy things for the baby?   

Let us live with her/him?   Give us money regularly?   Play with the child?  

Other _____________

Other relatives (name ___________)?

Provide baby-sitting? everyday? weekends? once in a while?   Buy things for the baby?   

Let us live with her/him?   Give us money regularly?   Play with the child?  

Other _____________

(Check out this information with the people involved.)

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FAMILY HISTORY

At what age did your mother have children?

At what age did your grandmothers have children?

How about your aunts, cousins, or sisters?

How was this for them? (ask them if you can) Find out how they felt about it then and how they feel about it now. What kind of support did they have?

Some questions for support people:
If you are expecting support from a parent or grandparent or anyone else, check it out with that person. Some parents say, “I´m done, I raised my children.” Others might like the idea of helping out with a child. How much can they realistically help financially? How much time do they really have that they are willing to give you? Ask them.

Are you financially ready to have a child?
Having a child is expensive. You may get help with medical bills from insurance or social services. But diapers and formula are very expensive. So is clothing, baby equipment, food. And don´t forget childcare, books, classes, and school expenses. You might want to price some of these items to get a better idea about how much things cost.

Comments from women about birth and raising a child:

“Giving birth was much easier than I thought it would be.”

“Giving birth was much harder than I thought it would be.”

“My baby changed my life in ways I never dreamed of.”

“Although the baby´s father could have helped me more, I´m the only one responsible.”

“I could not have done this alone.”

“Some nights are so hard I don´t know how I´ve gotten through them.”

“I feel like I´m 37 instead of 17. I have no life.”

“I can´t imagine my life without my kids.”

“It seems like I went from paying off my college bills, to paying for pre-school, to paying off the orthodontist, to setting aside money for my kids´ college. It never ends!”

“My child is the light of my life.”

“All these girls come back to school and talk about how cute their babies are. They never talk about how hard it is. It´s not easy.”

"My head and my heart have finally come together with this decision, and I finally feel at peace with myself. I know it will be a long and trying road ahead but I will endure...."

"The saddest part is that I can't return to that place before the pregnancy."

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Creating a Time Line (Not Only for Teens)

How old will I be at each stage of my baby’s life?

Put events in your life on the time line. For example on your side: prom, driver’s license, graducation, college, first job, marriage, first apartment, owning a car. On the baby’s side of the time line put the following:

When my baby is______ I will be ____ years old.

6-9 months: can crawl

12-14 months: begins walking and talking

2-3 years: toilet training

4-5 years: pre-school or school

6-11: after school activities, lessons

12-13: teenager

16 years: can get driver’s license

18 years: college or job

RESOURCES

ORGANIZATIONS

WIC (Women, Infants, Children) Vouchers for nutritious food for pregnant women and children. Call your County Health Department.

PCAP Medicaid- This is a government supported insurance program for pregnant women. In states where Medicaid covers abortion, it may cover that too. It is a temporary insurance, but can help with medical costs during a pregnancy. Call your County Dept. of Social Services.

CLASSES and information may also be available at local hospitals, agencies and doctors' offices.

BOOKS

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU´RE EXPECTING, by Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi Markoff, Sardee W. Hathaway, BSN, Workman Publ.

PREGNANCY, CHILDBIRTH, AND THE NEWBORN: The Complete Guide, Penny Simkin.

THE COMPLETE BOOK OF PREGNANCY AND CHILDBIRTH by Sheila Kitzinger

WHAT TO EXPECT THE FIRST YEAR OF LIFE, by Eisenberg, Murkoff, and Hathaway.

CARING FOR YOUR BABY AND YOUNG CHILD: BIRTH TO AGE 5, American Academy of Pediatrics

OTHER RESOURCES

“Mama: Your Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy” (free) March of Dimes call 1-888 MODIMES or www.modimes.org.

www.HipMama.com -- Hip Mama magazine and website for young women who are mothers.

www.girl-mom.com -- discussion site for teen mothers.

www.choicelinkup.com -- a listing of many pregnancy related resources on the web.

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Abortion

“What is an abortion?” An abortion is the removal of a pregnancy from your body. A miscarriage is called a "spontaneous abortion," meaning your body removes the pregnancy on its own.

“I could never have an abortion!”
If you think you are not ready to have a baby, abortion is one option to consider. As you know, our society is having a big conflict about abortion right now. That makes it difficult to feel OK about abortion. But there is also a lot of wrong information out there. Find out the facts before you make your decision. For instance, did you know that abortion is the most common medical procedure in the U.S.? And that over 1million women have abortions every year in the U.S.? Nearly 1/3 of all women will have an abortion by age 45.

“Is abortion safe?”
Abortion is very safe, especially when done early in pregnancy. Many studies have been done that show that having an abortion in the first twelve weeks is many more times safer than having a baby. Even a late abortion is less dangerous than having a baby.

“Is it legal?”
Abortion is legal up to 24-26 weeks of pregnancy in all states. After that time it is only legal in some states if the mother´s life or health is seriously in danger or if the baby has a severe deformity or disease that would mean it can´t live or function. After 26 weeks, if the baby is normal, but the mother is in danger, every effort will be made to save the baby by delivering it prematurely.

Some states may have rules about receiving certain information 24 hours before your abortion or requiring that the parents of a woman under 18 be informed of her decision. Call a clinic in your state to find out the most recent laws.

“How is it done?”
There are a few different ways. The most common is “vacuum aspiration” where a doctor removes the pregnancy with a gentle suctioning. It takes less than 5 minutes.

Early in a pregnancy, a "medical abortion" ("with medicine" as opposed to a "surgical abortion" might be available where you live. Two different medications are used -- mifepristone or misoprostol. The first one stops the pregnancy from growing and the second helps your body pass the pregnancy. The symptoms are just like a miscarriage. It takes several days and you might have a lot of bleeding, clots, and cramps. There is a complete workbook "Abortion: Which Method is Right for Me?" accessible at the top of this page.

Later in a pregnancy, a “D & E” is used. The opening to the uterus is opened large enough for the doctor to remove the pregnancy with forceps. A slightly different method called “Intact D&E” may be used after 20 weeks. This is the so-called “partial birth abortion” which is very rare. The doctor collapses the head so that the fetus can come out all at once. In a few cases, an induction procedure is used after 20 weeks. The cervix is opened over a day or more, then labor is induced, causing a miscarriage.

89% of all abortions are done in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. Almost all of these use the more common suction method.

“Will it hurt?”
We all have different experiences of pain. Different doctors use different ways to control pain. In most methods, there will usually be a few minutes of cramps. In later pregnancy, the procedure will take longer. It is normal to fear pain, but fear of pain should not be the most important factor in your decision. You will probably be offered medication to help with pain. Please ask.

“Does the baby feel pain?”
Medical experts generally agree that the fetus cannot feel pain until there is a more developed brain and nerves which starts to happen at 22 weeks. Many doctors who perform very late abortions make sure the fetus dies before the actual abortion begins just to be sure it feels no pain. Ask your doctor.

“Can I do it myself?”
No! Please do not try. When abortion was illegal, many women tried to do an abortion on themselves and many women died. Anything that supposedly can stop a pregnancy can hurt or kill you. Please call a clinic or hotline number before you do something that might hurt you.

“How much does it cost?”
Call the clinics in your area. An abortion in the first 12 weeks generally costs $400 to $500. Most insurance covers it. If the cost seems really low, find out if lab fees and medication are included. Ask if there is time set aside for counseling and to recover afterwards. Find out which clinic or doctors are recommended by friends, Planned Parenthood, or Family Planning Services. A quality clinic where you will be respected is important. (See Resources)

If you are having financial problems, is there someone you can borrow money from? Do you have a credit card, or could you use someone else´s and pay that off over time? Call the National Abortion Federation Hotline for a clinic or an abortion fund (www.nnaf.org) near you. (See Resources)

“How do I find a doctor?”
To find the closest clinic or doctor, go to www.AbortionClinicDirectory.com or look in the yellow pages of your phone book under “Abortion Services” or call NAF Hotline at 1-800-772-9100. You can also ask your doctor, or other friends what they know about different clinics. See Resources section.

When you call, ask for the information you want to know. Some questions might be: 1) How long has the doctor been doing abortions? 2) Is it painful? 3) What state regulations are there? 4) What is involved in the visit? Don't be afraid to ask questions.

“I think abortion is my choice, but I am heartsick over this.”
It is normal to sometimes think and feel different ways about a decision like abortion. Like a lot of other difficult times in life, your head (the logical, reasonable part of you) might be saying one thing, while your heart (your feelings) seems to be saying another. You might think that abortion is the best thing you can do right now, but still you feel sad or bad about this choice. You might think you have to have an abortion, but don`t really want one. You may not even want to think about it at all-- just get it over with.

You deserve to have some peace of mind about this difficult situation. Take a moment now to do the exercises in this section. They will help your "head" and your "heart" come together so you can come to a decision you feel good about. (See also sections on healing)

“Is it murder?”
You have probably heard some people say “abortion is murder.” That´s what the people who want to make abortion illegal usually say. Some people say abortion is murder without really thinking it through. Abortion is legal, so clearly the law does not see it as murder. The law says murder means you have "malicious intent" or you really want to hurt them. But that doesn´t really answer the question of whether it is right or wrong. That´s a question each woman has to answer for herself.

Abortion is a kind of killing. The embryo or fetus is living within the woman´s body, and it is removed by the abortion. Most people do not believe that killing an embryo or fetus is the same as killing a born person. Is there a difference between killing and murder?


“Is having an abortion like killing a 2 or 3 year old child, or like killing a friend of yours? Can you kill and still love that person or thing?”


“What is a person? When does a fetus become a person?”


These are tough questions, but it´s good to look at them to see what you really think. Take the time now to explore what you really believe.

“Am I a bad person for choosing abortion?”
As you think about this question, just notice how much you want to do what is good and right. Wouldn´t life be easy if good and bad were always simple?

Different people have very different answers to this question. Some believe that abortion is wrong and bad. Others believe that abortion can be a very good and responsible choice. Some people would ask if your intentions are good or bad. Are you trying to make the best choice you can, or are you trying to do something bad? Still others might remind you that a person can be good, even when she is making difficult decisions.

Millions and millions of women throughout the world and over all the years of history have made the decision that abortion is the best thing they could choose in their situation. But only you can judge in your heart whether the choice you are making is coming from a good place or a bad place.

Do you think of yourself as a selfish person?

What is the difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself?

What does your conscience say to you about abortion? Can abortion be moral?

What good can come out of having an abortion?

“How will I feel afterwards?”
Most women feel very relieved after they have an abortion, and they usually feel pretty good physically too. Whatever fear they might have had about the medical part is over, and a big problem that has been taking up a lot of attention has been taken care of. Depending on the individual, there may be other feelings too.

How you will feel afterwards probably has a lot to do with how you feel before the abortion. Are you certain about your choice? Is it really your decision? Do you have a sense of peace? Are you afraid of needing forgiveness? Are you just feeling kind of numb? (If so, go back to feelings section) Do you need more support?

Are you very sad? It is natural for some women to have a feeling of grief and loss about abortion. (See healing section) This can take a little time to heal. Take the time to work on your feelings about abortion before you have one. Then you will be better prepared for whatever feelings you might have afterwards. If you are having really difficult feelings after an abortion, there is help. (See exercise on regret below and section on healing, and resource section.)

If you have an abortion will you feel guilty?      sad?      happy/relieved?      angry?      ashamed?

Write a little about each feeling you might have.

 

 


“I want to have an abortion, but my religion says that it is wrong.”
"I used to think abortion was wrong, but now I think it is my best choice."

Most people make some choices in life that do not agree with their religion. Maybe even having sex or getting pregnant went against some of the rules of your religion. We can feel very uncomfortable and guilty if we think we are living the wrong way.

If your religion says that abortion is wrong, and that´s important to you, it might be useful to know what God thinks. The first step might be to pray or talk to God and share how it has been for you to make this decision. Does God know you are doing the best you can in this situation? Is your God loving and compassionate? Can God see into your heart? Some women believe God loves them and will be with them even in difficult times. Some women believe God thinks abortion is wrong, but will forgive them. Some women believe God will punish them if they have an abortion. (See also Religion section)

What do you believe?

What would it be like to pray to God and truly listen to what God has to tell you? If you have trouble hearing God´s guidance, you may want to talk with a religious person who respects that you have to make your own decision.


Have you prayed for guidance? If yes, do you feel you have received guidance? What is the guidance?

If you have ever done something you thought was wrong in the past, how have you made up for it?

For more help, do the Guided Day Dream on Loss or the writing exercise.


“Will I regret having an abortion?”
Some situations are warning signs that certain women will have a hard time after an abortion.* If you are worried about how you will feel afterwards, answer the following questions. Your score on this self test may help you decide if you have more work to do, or if it would be good to talk to a counselor. Go back and complete all the exercises in the Decision-Making section if you need to. (See also resource section for counseling)

Will I regret an abortion? Self test.

Score using a 1, 2, or 3: 1= Not true for me; 2= Somewhat true for me; or 3= Really true for me

1. I believe abortion is the same as murdering a born person _____

2. I am not sure if I am making the right decision _____

3. I don`t want an abortion, but I have to have one _____

4. I know I will regret having an abortion _____

5. My parents are rejecting, critical, or abusive _____

6. The man involved is abusive, rejecting, and controlling _____

7. I think God will punish me for having an abortion _____

8. I will not be able to forgive myself for having an abortion _____

9. No one is giving me emotional support right now _____

10. Someone else is forcing me to have an abortion _____

11. I am never going to think about it again after it`s over _____

12. I suffer from depression or diagnosed personality disorder _____

13. I am a “perfectionist” and I can’t forgive myself for getting in this situation _____

Add up your score. If it is 26 or over, you may want to do some more work, or see a counselor before you have an abortion.
*We are grateful to Anne Baker of Hope Clinic for her work, “Predictors of Poor Coping After an Abortion”


Your Experience of Abortion
If you have decided that abortion is the best choice for you, and you have chosen a doctor or clinic to help you, then you are ready to plan the day of your abortion. Even if you can`t control everything that happens, you are in charge of your attitude. You can decide how you will act during the abortion process.

This exercise can help you plan what you will do and how you would like to feel before and after your abortion. After all the time it takes to make a decision, and work through all your feelings, the actual visit to the clinic can be the easiest part if you are prepared.

What do I want to know before I go?
If you are still feeling unsure or scared about anything, feel free to call the clinic you are going to and get your questions answered before you go. It`s normal to be a little scared. Write down questions you have:

 

How do I want to feel on the day of the abortion?

You have a CHOICE about how this experience is for you!!! Would you like to be: (circle all that apply)

really angry all day   helpful to others   honest   a victim 

proud that I could decide for myself   whiny    unwilling to share my feelings 

courageous   anxious   demanding   patient   impatient   passive

curious   real good to myself   friendly   ashamed   Other: _________


It will help make things easier if you share your thoughts, wishes, or feelings with the staff at the clinic! They probably want to make this as easy as they can for you, but you have to tell them what you are thinking.

About pain...

Nobody wants to feel pain, but pain is a part of life, and frequently part of ending a pregnancy. Our ideas about pain can be very complicated and it might be interesting to explore the issue of pain in your life if you are worried about how much pain you might feel.

Try to answer the following questions:

What are your period cramps like?           1        2        3        4        5

Use a 1-5 pain scale where 1 = mild cramps (you´re aware of them but you can still do normal activities) to
5 = severe cramps (cramps where you cannot do anything and the cramps are the worst you ever felt, and pain medication doesn´t seem to help.)

Describe your experience of period cramps:

What helps you when you have cramps?

a. pain reliever _____________

b. going to bed

c. a heating pad or hot water bottle

d. someone sitting with me or sympathizing

e. a back rub or massage

f. having something hot to drink

g. distracting myself with an activity

h. other ____________


How do you feel emotionally when you are in pain? (Circle all that apply)

alone           frantic           sad           upset           irritable          scared           I feel sorry for myself          

ashamed            numb           out of control           distracted           angry           frustrated

that I can't do things/other: ________________________


Do the people that are supporting you understand what you need when you are in pain? Do they understand these emotions? ____ Yes ___ No

Have they been around you when you are in pain? ____ Yes ___ No

If you could have anyone at all with you who would it be? __________

Why? How would they help you?

What are your past experiences with pain?
(Examples:"I never have cramps and nothing bad has ever happened to me, so I'm worried about how it will feel." Or, "I have had a lot of surgeries and although I do OK, I really dread it each time.")

Tell your story:






Difficult emotions can make pain feel worse.
For example, getting a tattoo or your ear pierced is painful but it's more tolerated because it's something you want. Having an abortion can bring up a lot of feelings, some of them negative.

Do any of these match what you are feeling? Put an X next to the examples that are most like what you are feeling. What follows each example is a possible way to change how you are thinking about this experience.


______ "I really feel stupid and irresponsible."
Even if you could have done things differently, remember that pregnancy is always a risk when you have sex. Sometimes we take more risks than we mean to around sex. Resolve to make a plan to protect yourself better and move on with your life. Even if it's true that you could have been more responsible, it doesn't mean that you deserve pain.


______ "I shouldn't have been with him, and now I'm paying for it."
Sometimes it helps to figure out the reasons for our behavior (Example: "I was lonely", "I misjudged the situation." etc). Whatever the reason, it seemed like a good idea at the time. If you are feeling guilty (like you did something wrong) find a way to make things better. Getting pregnant, however, is not a punishment, and no one deserves pain, even if you didn't live up to your own standards.


______ "No one can know about this. I am so ashamed."
When we are trying to hide something, we carry an extra burden of feelings: dread, fear, shame. Instead of imagining the worst possible reaction from someone, imagine the best: they might say "I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I know you will make the best decision for your life." Even if the worst is true, does it mean that you deserve to be in pain? The answer is "no."


______ "I've heard so many awful things about abortion. I'm really scared. What if..."
Our society is in great conflict about abortion so it's no wonder that there are a lot of scary stories out there. But statistics show that abortion is one of the safest medical procedures, no matter what the method. There is a risk to everything, including riding in a car. So, learn as much as you can and let "reality" help you. Fear and tension can make everything feel worse so try to keep your fears in perspective.


______ "I feel terrible about doing this, but I really have no choice."
No one ever wanted to be in this situation, even though 37% of all women will have an abortion someday. Once you are pregnant, and don't want to be, you are making what you believe is the best choice for your life under the circumstances. You are not a bad person and you don't deserve to be in pain.

Write what you are feeling about this situation:


Now rewrite a more positive message to yourself:





 

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Pain Relief

Your doctor or clinic will probably offer some pain medications or something to relax you. Please ask about what pain relief is available for you. Sometimes deep breathing can help make the medications work even better.

Many people use some version of deep breathing to relax and work through pain. One way is to breathe in to the count of 7, hold your breath for 7 counts, and slowly release your breath to the count of 7. Another way is to start with your toes and tense each set of muscles to the count of 1-2-3-4-5 and then relax to the count of 1-2-3-4-5. Do each set of muscles—legs, buttocks, abdomen/stomach, shoulders, arms, jaws, eyes/face. As you do the exercise, try to imagine your fear and pain going away every time you breathe out.

A Checklist: Some things to make it easier

These are some ways that might make the day go easier. Which ones would be helpful for you? (check)

____ Make sure to leave plenty of time for getting there & get good directions

____ Visit a few days before so I am comfortable with the place and people

____ Have someone I trust who will go with me

____ Take something to read/work on/play with while I am waiting

____ Get realistic information about how long I will probably be there

____ Have a good breakfast or lunch (unless the clinic says not to eat)

____ Wear layers of comfortable clothing so I am OK if it´s hot or cold

____ Shower or bathe before I go to help me feel fresh

____ Find out if there might be protesters so I can prepare myself

____ Make sure I have transportation to and from the clinic

____ Make sure I am clear about the medical fees and I have my money or insurance information ready

____ Write a list of my questions so I am sure they all get answered

____ Buy a box of maxi-pads and medicine for cramps (like Advil)

____ Other:


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After your abortion

What I`d like to do to take care of myself:
(For example, “be with friends who understand,” “have a nice meal,” “be quiet,” “do a ceremony.” See Healing Work section.)

Who will you ask for support afterwards? Tell them how you would like to take care of yourself (above).

Important: If you are having strong feelings of regret or sadness that don´t get better, get help!! Warning signs include: crying all the time, problems with sleeping or eating or not being able to concentrate. See Healing section and consult a counselor.


Telling someone:
Some women who have had abortions feel ashamed and want to keep the abortion a secret. That means that we don´t usually hear about it from our mothers and relatives and friends. If you have decided on abortion, it could be powerful for you to share your experience with others. Your story can help other women or men who find themselves facing difficult decisions. If you could, who would you really like to tell about this? Name them:

_____________ _____________ _____________

What would it take for you to tell them?

risking   honesty   courage   caring   love   pride in yourself

openness   trust   What else? _____________

How would you explain your decision to have an abortion to someone else?


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Forgiveness

For some women an important part of the process before an abortion is forgiveness. It may be easier to sense forgiveness from God, or even the spirit of the pregnancy, than from yourself. Not being able to forgive yourself or another can keep you emotionally "stuck." If you can, look for forgiveness wherever you need it. The Healing section may be helpful).

One way to find forgiveness is to do a guided "day dream." You may want to re-read the instructions on guided imagery on p. 21 in the Decision-Making Section. Begin by getting comfortable-- lie down if you can, or at least have your head supported. Breathe deeply and slowly. Allow your body to be supported and relaxed.


Guided Day Dream on Forgiveness
Imagine that you are surrounded by a beautiful light, soothing and safe. Notice your breathing-- inhaling and exhaling, slow and deep. As you breathe in, know that you breathe in everything you need to forgive. As you breathe out, let go of anything you don´t need for this process. Notice how each breath helps you relax even more deeply.

Bring your attention to your body resting comfortably and peacefully against the soft cushion beneath you. It is good to know that each sensation in your body helps you become even more relaxed and peaceful.

Imagine a beautiful light surrounding your feet. It moves gently and gradually up and through your body and out the top of your head, leaving you feeling safe, centered, and peaceful. Take your time. That´s good. (pause)

And now just notice your breathing; feel comfortable in every way. Allow yourself to imagine a place in nature. A very beautiful warm and wonderful place. It may be a familiar place, or a new place for you. You sense that it is inviting you, and you notice it feels just right to be here. As you begin to have a sense of this natural, beautiful setting, you know that this is your own special place. A safe place that supports you in journeying to your own knowing-- to your own heart.

Take a moment to notice how it feels to be here-- what smells and sounds you experience. How it looks as you walk around and explore nature´s perfect gift to you. Finding a comfortable spot now, you sit down and lean back. You may even lie down, feeling very relaxed. Really allow yourself to soak up the beauty around you. Just enjoy being here-- this place of your own heart. That´s right, just take a moment to let yourself feel the peace and warmth here. (Pause)

Allow yourself to bring to mind your reason for coming here today. You find that there is something like a movie screen appearing before you. As you watch the screen, familiar scenes begin to play across it. You see at once that this first scene is of you in the process of finding out you are pregnant. Get a sense of how that was for you, and all the thoughts and feelings you were having at that time. Was there anyone with you?

Now the scene changes and you see yourself at a moment of deciding what to do about your pregnancy. Notice what you are feeling in this scene. What thoughts and emotions were you having? Notice all the many things you were trying to balance and sort out as you made your decision. Let yourself see how you were then, working hard to do the best you could. Notice how much your heart wanted to do the right thing for yourself and everyone involved. Take a moment to experience how it feels to see yourself in that way. (pause)

As the scene begins to change again, you become aware that this is a scene of you, soon after your abortion. As you watch yourself in this future scene, imagine what you will feel after your abortion. What is it like to see yourself having those emotions? Perhaps you were having many conflicting emotions. Perhaps you were not feeling much at all right then. Knowing that however it was for you, it was a natural and right way to feel at that time.

Now the scene begins to change again and you see yourself in the future-- the future you have dreamed of. Notice what you are doing and who, if anyone, is there. Allow yourself to take in this wonderful scene of the future that is just right. Notice everything you can about your feelings, experience, and a sense of yourself here.

Allow a sense of the future “you” that is so caring, wise, and full of joy to come into your heart and mind and body, just as though that future is happening right now. Take a moment to fill yourself up with those feelings, thoughts, and sensations. Who are you now? What does this future person remember about the decision to have an abortion? (Pause)

This scene soon begins to fade and the movie screen disappears. You see that you are still in your beautiful, natural place. Notice yourself feeling lighter, and free in some new way. As it seems right to you, bring to mind any places or people in your life where you may still need to ask forgiveness. Give yourself permission to just be open to this new experience, however it unfolds. If you need to forgive yourself, see yourself now in your perfection. You may be thinking of a family member, a friend, a lover, a higher power like God, or perhaps even the spirit of your pregnancy. Let yourself have a sense of forgiveness. Notice what feelings come up for you as you let that person join you here in your safe, beautiful place.

You know that you have the courage, the safety, and the self-assurance to forgive and be forgiven in your own natural way. Take a moment to communicate whatever is in your heart, and to ask for forgiveness in whatever way feels right to you. (pause)

Know that you have everything you need in this moment. Let yourself listen to the response with love and compassion in your heart. (pause) Let this response in, knowing that it is just what you need at this time. Know that you want only the best for everyone. Know that you have truly done the very best you could in this difficult process.

As you say goodbye, thank whomever has joined you for hearing your sincere, heartfelt message. Notice what you are experiencing now. It is good to know that you can summon this kind of risking, courage, and honesty anytime you want to. You know that you have all you need to feel secure and complete.

Now it is time to end this journey. Bring your hands to your heart. Know that as you place your hands on your heart you are holding a part of yourself that is precious and loving and full of joy and wonder. A part that has always been there.

Begin to come back to the present now. Remember all that has happened on this journey. Know that this strong, loving experience of yourself will be with you as you open your eyes, feeling refreshed and energized.

Resources:

ORGANIZATIONS

ABORTION CONVERSATION PROJECT, creating ways to talk about abortion and eliminate the stigma of abortion. www.abortionconversation.com. Sponsors: ChoiceLinkUp.com, “Healthy Coping After an Abortion” and www.MomDadIMpregnant.com.

NATIONAL ABORTION FEDERATION HOTLINE 1-800-772-9100. Referrals. Fact Sheets Available 1755 Massachusetts Ave. #600 Washington DC 20036 (202) 667-5881 www.prochoice.org

NATIONAL COALITION OF ABORTION PROVIDERS (703) 684-0055 Promotes an Open Conversation about Abortion. Information & directory at www.ncap.com

NATIONAL NETWORK OF ABORTION FUNDS (NNAF) List of Abortion Funds at www.nnaf.org

ABORTION SERVICES DIRECTORY www.abortionclinicdirectory.com. Also includes information on Abortion, Medication Abortion, Birth Control, and Decision-Making.

ABORTION CLINICS ON LINE Internet Directory www.gynpages.com


BOOKS

PEACE AFTER ABORTION A Pro-Choice Self-Help Guide for Women and Men, by Ava Torre-Bueno, LCSW $11.95 postpaid, 1-800-352-6305 Pimpernel Press PO Box 33110 San Diego, CA 92163-3110 website: peaceafterabortion.com

THE HEALING CHOICE Your Guide to Emotional Recovery After an Abortion, by Candace DePuy, PhD and Dana Dovitch, PhD, $12, Simon & Schuster, available in bookstores or 1-800-999-7909.

“Inner Healing After Abortion” by Marilyn Gryte www.mgryteinnerhealing.com $6. Also available at Pregnancy Options store.

IN GOOD CONSCIENCE A Practical, Emotional, Spiritual Guide to Deciding Whether to Have an Abortion, Anna Runkle "A Time to Decide, A Time to Heal" Especially for women who have ended a pregnancy due to fetal problems. Pineapple Press PO 312 St. Johns MI 48879 $5.95 + $3.50 s/h

THE ABORTION RESOURCE HANDBOOK by K. Kaufmann, Fireside Press, Simon & Schuster.

UNSPEAKABLE LOSSES Understanding the Experience of Pregnancy Loss, Miscarriage, and Abortion by Kim Kluger-Bell $23.95, WW Norton Book Co. 1998

SACRED CHOICES: The Right to Contraception and Abortion in Ten World Religions (Sacred Energies Series) by Daniel C. Maguire

ABORTION: MY CHOICE, GOD'S GRACE: Christian Women Tell Their Stories by Anne Eggebroten (Editor)

PRIDE AND JOY: Lives and Passions of Women Without Children, Terri Casey Beyond Words Publ.


PAMPHLETS

“Abortion: Which Method is Right for Me?” a workbook on abortion with a pill or surgical abortion, located on this site.

"After Her Abortion", "Spiritual Comfort", and other pamphlets
on coping with abortion by Anne Baker, The Hope Clinic for Women, Ltd. 1602 21st St. Granite City IL 62040 (618) 451-5722). www.hopeclinic.com

"Abortion: Finding Your Own Truth", "How Good Women Make Wise Choices," "Clarifying What You Believe," and other pamphlets from Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice 1025 Vermont Ave. NW #1130 Washington DC 20005 (202) 628-7700. www.rcrc.org

"You Are Not Alone," and other pamphlets from Catholics for a Free Choice 1436 U St. NW #301 Washington DC 20009 (202) 986-6093. www.catholicsforchoice.org

Our Truths/ Nuestras Verdades a zine for women and others about abortion experience, in English and Spanish, in print and on the web. www.ourtruths.org


OTHER RESOURCES

Backline -- A Talk Line for help with decision making, post abortion feelings, and other aspects of all pregnancy options. www.yourbackline.org or call 888-493-0092 weekdays, 5-10 pm Pacific Time, Fri-Sun 10 am –3pm PST.

CHILDLESS BY CHOICE-- Support for people who decide never to have children. PO Box 95 Leavenworth WA 98826. www.now2000.com/cbc Related site: www.nokidding.net

EXHALE Talkline -- www.4exhale.org Phone: 1-866-4EXHALE in English, Spanish, Vietnamese or Cantonese.


WEBSITES

www.choicelinkup.com: a prochoice webring with access to thousands of resources.

www.abortionchronicles.com: women’s abortion stories.

www.abortiondiaries.com: a film of women talking about their abortions.

www.menandabortion.com a site especially for men affected by abortion.

www.heartssite.com: women's words to each other about their abortion

www.4exhale.org Phone: 1-866-4EXHALE in English, Spanish, Vietnamese or Cantonese. www.yourbackline.org 1-888-493-0092 for all aspects of pregnancy decisions and experience.

www.imnotsorry.net: writings of women who are satisfied with their decision to terminate a pregnancy.

www.afterabortion.com: a site for women who are having difficulty emotionally after an abortion. Includes a step by step healing program, chat rooms, and advice.

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Adoption

“What is adoption?”
Adoption is giving up your legal right to parent your child and letting someone else take on the legal right and responsibility of parenting the child. Adoption isn´t giving away your child, giving up on your child, or selling your child. It is making a plan for your child´s care when you can´t care for it yourself.

“I could never do that!”
If this is your first response, don´t worry. You are not alone. Many people think they could never choose adoption as an answer to an unplanned pregnancy. But lots of times, people don´t really know too much about adoption other than what they read in magazines or see on TV. And that usually isn´t a true picture of how adoption works. After finding out about what adoption really is, sometimes people feel differently about it. So, before you make up your mind, learn more about what adoption can offer you and your child. Read on!

“I don´t think I could bear not knowing what happened to my child.”
In the past, people who made the decision to place their child for adoption often never saw the child or knew what happened to it. But things are different now. There are many more choices for birth parents. For example, you can choose the adoptive parents for your child. You can even meet the adoptive parents if you wish. You can also choose to have some contact with your child´s adoptive family after the adoption. Or you can choose not to have any contact if that would feel better to you. The important thing to know is that you have choices.

“Where do I go for help?”
You can either go to an adoption agency (which is called an “agency" adoption) or you can go to an adoption lawyer (which is called a “private" adoption). Private adoptions are legal in most states. An “adoption facilitator” is legal in some states. Find out what your state´s rules are. An adoption agency will help you think through all the questions you may have about adoption and help you be sure that adoption is right for you. In a private adoption, you can ask these same questions of your lawyer. You can also get help from an adoption counselor. Then, if you feel that you want to go ahead with an adoption plan, the agency or your lawyer will help you with the adoption process.

“How do I find them?”
Adoption agencies are not all alike, and neither are lawyers. It is a good idea to look around for an agency or lawyer that meets your needs. Some agencies do adoptions one way and some agencies do adoptions another way. Some lawyers know a lot about adoption and others do not. Ask your doctor, teacher, social worker, counselor, minister, etc. to help you find an adoption agency or an adoption lawyer. You can also look in the telephone yellow pages under “Adoption” or “Lawyers - Adoption.”

“What will happen if I answer a classified ad?”
These ads are placed by couples or individuals who would like to adopt a child. They are willing to talk to birth parents in order to try to plan an adoption. This is just one way to find an adoptive family for your child. Sometimes birth parents and adoptive parents find each other through mutual friends or relatives. Sometimes ministers or doctors help birth parents to find adoptive families. If you choose to work with an adoption agency, they will have several waiting adoptive families you can choose from. If you don´t want to choose an adoptive family yourself, many adoption agencies can choose an appropriate family for your child. Whether you find adoptive parents yourself or work with an adoption agency to find an adoptive family, be sure you have experienced professional support (either an attorney or an agency) to help you plan the adoption. You shouldn't do this on your own!!

“I can`t afford to pay for this!”
You shouldn`t have to. No matter whether you work with an agency or a lawyer, you should not have to pay for any adoption services. Any good adoption agency or lawyer should be willing to meet with you to explain their services and answer your questions free of charge. Then, if you decide to go ahead with adoption, expenses are paid for by the adoptive parents.

“Can I get money for myself?”
You are not going to profit by placing your child for adoption. In fact, it is illegal for birth parents to be paid to complete an adoption because this is considered “baby-selling.” In some states, expenses related to your pregnancy (like medical expenses, for example) and the expenses of the adoption process can be legally paid for by the adoptive parents. Laws are different from state to state so you should ask your adoption professional to explain the rules in your state.

“What are my choices in adoption?”
That depends on what you want. You have several options. You can choose to have an “open adoption.” This is when the birth parents and the adoptive parents tell each other about themselves and have some contact with each other. How much is up to you and the adoptive parents. Some people like to meet each other face-to-face and be able to keep in touch with each other by letter, phone calls and even visits after the adoption. That´s a fully “open” adoption.

Other people prefer to learn about each other through their adoption agency or their lawyer. They might not meet each other or call each other directly, but they are still able to keep in touch with letters and pictures they send to each other through the agency or lawyer. This is a “semi-open” adoption.

A “closed” adoption is one in which the birth parents and adoptive parents are given some information about each other before the adoption, but they cannot contact each other-- ever. You have the right to choose which kind of adoption would be best for you.

(Please note: Not all adoption agencies allow open adoptions. Don´t be afraid to ask what they will allow. If an agency does not offer what you want, find another agency that does. Lawyers generally leave it to the birth parents and adoptive parents to decide how much openness they want. If a lawyer says you can´t choose for yourself, find another lawyer.)

“Which is better - open or closed adoption?”
No one can say for sure, but it may help you to know what other birth parents and adoptive parents think. Many birth parents and adoptive parents are finding that some openness in the adoption is better for them. Some birth parents say that it is easier to go through with the adoption plan when they have been able to choose the adoptive parents themselves. They look forward to hearing how their birth child is doing and worry less because they have an idea how the child is doing. Many adoptive parents say that it helps them to know the birth parents and to be able to answer their child´s questions honestly.

But some birth parents, as well as adoptive parents, do not feel that they could handle having any contact with each other. They prefer a more closed adoption which gives them greater privacy. There is no right or wrong way to do this. It is important for you to decide what you think would be best for you and your child.

Adoption Exercises

Do you think you would want to know how the child is doing?


Would it make it any easier for you to consider adoption?


Why or why not?


Do you think it would be easier to meet the adoptive parents or have someone else make the arrangements? Why?



Write down your thoughts and feelings about:

Closed adoption (no contact)



Semi-Open Adoption (letters and pictures sent through someone else)



Open Adoption (direct contact with the adoptive family)

“Can the child find me in the future if he or she wants to?”
Many states have adoption registries in which both birth parents and adult adoptees can register if they would like to be contacted by the other. If both the birth parent and the adoptee register their agreement, then the registry will help you get in touch with each other. You can also write a letter to your birth child stating that you would welcome any contact from them in the future, and then ask your adoption agency or adoption attorney to put this letter in the adoption file. You should sign a release stating that you want the agency or attorney to give your birth child this letter if the child asks for information about you.

“I am considering adoption because I am too far along for an abortion.”
In other words, adoption isn´t your first choice. But it´s too late now for an abortion. Perhaps this leaves you feeling like you don´t have a choice, that you are forced to choose adoption. If that´s the case, you are probably feeling frustrated, pressured, fearful, even angry because you feel pushed into adoption.

But you still do have a choice - between adoption and parenting. Think hard about these two choices. Is one clearly more comfortable or more possible for you than the other? Does one offer you and your child more of what you want and need? Whether you choose adoption or you choose to parent, realize that this is your decision. Sometimes,we face very tough decisions in life. This is truly one of those tough choices, but it is still a choice-- your choice!

Don´t choose adoption because you feel forced, because you feel you have no choice, or because you don`t know what else to do. Do choose adoption if it seems like the best decision you can make now for yourself and your child. Only you know if that is true for you. No matter what you decide, adoption or parenting, the knowledge that you had a choice and that you made the best decision you could, will help you.

“Can I change my mind and not go through with the adoption?”
Yes, birth parents do have the right to change their minds within a certain time limit. The birth parent must sign a legal paper that says you are willingly giving up all your parental rights to this child. Until you sign this paper, you may change your mind. Once you have signed the consent paper, states have different laws about the time you have to change your mind. Ask your adoption professional.

Birth parents have been known to change their minds about an adoption and then change their minds again. Sometimes the stress and demands of parenting are too much for them, and they re-think their decision. You can always consider adoption again if you think it is best for you and your child.

“Does the birth father have any legal rights?”
Yes, but the laws about father´s rights are different in each state. His rights may depend on whether you are married to him, whether or not he has provided financial support, and other factors. Ask your adoption professional to explain your state´s laws.

“Can I hold the baby after it is born?”
Of course! You are the parent of the child until you sign a consent. You should be treated no differently than any other parent. That means you can hold, feed, change, or take pictures of the baby. You can plan the “birth” day and decide all these things as well as whether you want the adoptive parents to be there. Let your adoption professional know about your plans.

“What if I don´t want to hold the baby?
Some birth parents feel they do not want to hold the baby or even see the baby after it is born. They think this will make it easier for them to let go. However, many people familiar with adoption have found that just the opposite is true. They find that they need time to say goodbye. They also have memories of a real baby which helps them deal with the loss that they feel. But remember, it is important for you to do whatever makes you feel comfortable. It´s up to you.

“How will adoption affect my life?”
Good question! Now that you know more about adoption, it`s time to think about whether or not it could be a good choice for you and your child. There are a few things you should think about here.

More Adoption Exercises:

Do you want to be a parent right now? _____ Why or why not?


Do you think you can handle the demands of being a parent right now? What would those demands be?


Are you able to go through a nine month pregnancy? _____


Can you take good care of yourself during this time by:

a. eating good food _____

b. not smoking _____

c. not drinking _____

d. not doing drugs _____

e. going to doctor´s appointments regularly? _____


Do you think you would be able to give up your parental rights and allow some one else to be your child´s parent? _____ Why or why not?


What are your hopes and dreams for your future?


What are your hopes or dreams for this child?


Would adoption help you fulfill any of those hopes and dreams for yourself or your child?_____ Which ones?


What about the child´s father? Is he aware of your pregnancy? _____ If not, do you want to tell him? Why or why not?


If he already knows, what does he want you to do?


Would he be willing to agree to an adoption?


Do you think he would oppose an adoption plan?


Do you have a close relationship with the child´s father?


How would a decision to place the child for adoption affect your relationship with him?


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Family

How would adoption affect your relationships with others? Adoption isn´t always popular among family and friends. Would your family and friends support you if you decided to make an adoption plan for your baby?

Would your family oppose an adoption plan?

Write the names of those family members and friends who would support you:

“How will I feel after the adoption?”
Most birth parents who place their child for adoption tell us that they feel very sad after the adoption takes place. They say they feel a big sense of loss because they have had to say good-bye to their child and give up being a parent. But they also tell us that they have a mix of feelings - feeling good about their decision for the child, feeling worried that they have made a mistake because they feel so sad, feeling angry that they weren´t ready yet to be a parent, feeling relieved when they hear about the child´s progress. It is a time of many feelings, some that are very hard to get through all by yourself. That is why it is important to have people around you who are very supportive of you.

Circle the feelings that you have as you think about adoption now:

scared   relieved   uncertain   angry   hopeful          

turned off   certain   nervous   sad   

Other __________


“Why does everyone want me to get counseling?”
It is always a good idea for birth parents to have an adoption counselor who can support you both while you are trying to decide what to do and after you make up your mind. Adoption counseling is a bit different than other kinds of counseling. This is not the kind of counseling where you are trying to improve the way you feel or how you get along in life. In adoption counseling, you talk about what you need to deal with this pregnancy. Your counselor´s job is to tell you about adoption as well as all the other options you have. A counselor should be able to help you find resources so that you can make whatever choice you want to make. A counselor can provide
support when you are sad or angry or confused.

Most importantly, the counselor is not there to judge you, or push you to do anything you don´t want to do, or be critical of your choice. Sometimes, your counselor is the only person who isn´t trying to make up your mind for you.

After surrendering a child, birth parents have strong feelings. The grief that follows an adoption is sometimes more difficult than expected. Having a counselor that you know and trust can be helpful if you´re having a hard time with your feelings. (Counseling can be provided for you free of charge either by the adoption agency or a private counselor paid for by the adoptive parents.) See exercises in Healing section.

“How will adoption affect my child?”
When birth parents make a decision to place their child for adoption, they usually do it with a great deal of love and concern for their child. It is not a selfish decision. Most birth parents feel very worried about whether or not their child will be all right. This is why some birth parents feel so strongly about having at least some openness in the adoption so they can have some idea of how their child is doing.

But children have the need to know some things too. Adopted children have many questions about their adoption and about their birth parents They often want to know what their birth parents looked like, how old their birth parents were when the adoption took place, where their birth parents are now. Most importantly they want to know, “Why did they decide to place me for adoption?”

Adults who were adopted as children tell us that it is very helpful to have answers to these questions. It makes it easier for the child to understand why they were adopted and to know who they are. Even in a closed adoption, some of these answers can be provided at the time the adoption takes place.

Giving a complete medical history from the birth parents´ families can also be very helpful to your child later in life. It may not seem like much, but information about you can be the most important gift you can give to your child.

What would you want a child to know about you? Take some time to write down some information about you, your family, the birth father, and why you are thinking about adoption. Explain to the child why you are thinking about adoption. Write your story on the next page. See also "Writing a letter to the child" in the Healing section.)

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Letters

This is an actual letter to a birthmother from a couple hoping to adopt:

Dear Birthmom,
Thank you for considering us as adoptive parents for your baby. First, we realize this must be a very difficult and confusing time for you full of hard decisions. If there is anything we can do to make it easier for you we will try. If you would like, we would be happy to meet with you in person, talk with you by phone, or exchange letters and pictures so that you can get to know us better. Also, we would be happy to establish an ongoing exchange of letters and pictures after the adoption. Let me tell you some specifics about Elizabeth and me and our life together. We are both in our early 30´s and feel very ready to become parents. We live in a beautiful neighborhood on a hillside. There are lots of kids in our neighborhood. We have one cat, Tess, who is eight years old and a puppy named Theodore. Both animals adore children and play well with our nieces and nephews. We both have warm and loving families who are looking forward to welcoming an adopted child. The life we envision for a child includes stories everyday, lots of outside activities, playing with friends, and visiting family members.Both of us were fortunate to have attended college. Elizabeth has a degree in English literature and I have a degree in business. Education is very important to us. We feel that the time we´ve spent on our education will provide our family with a financially secure future. We plan to offer as much encouragement and financial assistance as possible for any of our children who choose to go to college. Hopefully, this letter shows you our commitment to each other and how much we are looking forward to the day when we expand our family to include a child. Thank you for reading this letter and considering us as adoptive parents for your baby. We wish you the very best.

Sincerely,Tom & Elizabeth



This is an example of a letter of goodbye from a birth mother to her baby.

Dear Baby Kathleen,
I am writing to say goodbye to you. I hope someday you will read this and understand. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. When I found out I was pregnant my heart sank. I knew I couldn´t have you. My life is not together enough to have a child-- not in any way-- financially, emotionally,-- I don´t even have my own place right now. And the father isn´t interested in commitment at all. He is a carpenter and he travels from job to job. But, I also knew I couldn`t have an abortion. I did that once and I had a really hard time with how I felt afterwards. So this time I decided I would make someone else happy. I met your new parents a while ago and I think they are wonderful people. I feel like I`m really doing something good for them-- and for you. I know you are in good hands and that they will love you and care for you. I come from a big family--Irish--and I have three sisters and a brother. My mother doesn´t know anything about this--”no one does. She couldn´t bear knowing she had a grandchild somewhere. She works in a restaurant and is a great cook--especially Italian food. All of us look alike, or that´s what people say. Right now I clean houses and waitress sometimes. I´m good at both jobs, but I like making people´s houses sparkle. I just haven´t settled down on what I´m supposed to do in life. Maybe this is it--letting Elaine and Mike raise you. Good luck, little one. I wish I could see you grow, but I know you are going to be great. I love you.

–Deirdre



This is a letter from the adoptive family to a birth mother when the child was 14 months old. In this case, the couple and the birth mother met before the baby was born and decided to exchange letters and pictures once a year.

Dear Jennifer,
Tom and I have been thinking about you a lot lately and thought we would write you a letter to say “hi” and let you know how Katherine is doing. We hope everything is going well for you. Katherine is a growing, happy, fourteen month old baby. She is amazing. Currently, she is about 32" tall and weighs about 25 pounds. She started walking at ten months of age and hasn´t slowed down since. Her favorite activities are running and climbing. As she has gotten older, our house has become more toy oriented and has fewer and fewer breakables. She eats pretty well - her favorite foods are broccoli, apples, graham crackers, spaghetti, meat loaf, and carrots. She doesn´t like tuna fish or potatoes. During dinner she eats in a high chair and we put her food on her tray. She makes it pretty clear what food she doesn´t want by dropping it, piece by piece, on the floor. We have learned to give her only a little bit at a time. She is starting to talk. We think she is going to be quite a chatterbox once she understands language a little bit better. She talks a lot in baby babble - sometimes seeming to ask complete questions or make definitive statements. Her first word was “Ut oh”--as in when you drop your favorite toy or bottle on the floor and it is now out of reach. She also loves to wave at people - and loves it more when they wave back. Her favorite television show, we discovered, is “The Wheel of Fortune.” She loves all the clapping and actively participates for the entire half hour. Her current favorite word is “puppy.” Recently, she was looking at a book about animals. She proudly held the book up and said “puppy.” She was quite pleased with her efforts. If you would like to write us a letter, we would really love to hear from you. We hope you enjoy the pictures.

Take care. Fondly,Elizabeth & Tom


Hello Darien,
I just want to tell you I love you very much. I wanted a special life for you and I personally picked your mommy and daddy. Maybe at some point in our lives we will have a chance to meet--maybe. And if so, and that´s what you want, I´ll share why I had to do this, but I did this because I love you very much.

–Tisha, birth mother in a videotaped message to her son, just after birth.

Resources:

ORGANIZATIONS

Am. Academy of Adoption Attorneys Box 33053 Washington DC 20033. Free directory. www.adoptionattorneys.org

Backline—A Talk Line for help with decision making, post adoption feelings, and other aspects of all pregnancy options. www.yourbackline.org or call 888-493-0092 weekdays, 5-10 pm Pacific Time, Fri-Sun 10 am –3pm PST.

National Adoption Information Clearinghouse 11426 Rockville Pike Ste. 410 Rockville MD 20852 (301) 231-6512. www.naic.acf.hhs.gov

BOOKS

ADOPTION: A Legal Guide for Birth and Adoptive Parents, by Kelly Allen Sifferman $8.95 Available

DEAR BIRTHMOTHER, Thank you for Our Baby, by Kathleen Silber, MSW and Phyllis Speedlin, Esq. $15

BIRTHMOTHERS: Women who have Relinquished Babies for Adoption Tell Their Stories, by Merry B. Jones. $21.95

THE THIRD CHOICE A Woman's Guide to Placing A Child for Adoption, Leslie Foge

THE OPEN ADOPTION EXPERIENCE A Complete Guide for Adoption and Birth Families, from Making the Decision through the Child's Growing Years, by Lois Ruskai Melina $11

TWENTY THINGS Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, by Sherrie Eldridge.

BIRTHPARENT GUIDE, by Brenda Romanchik

SAYING GOODBYE TO A BABY-Birth parents Guide to Loss and Grief in Adoption, by Patricia Roles. Books are available from Tapestry Books, 1-800-765-2367 www.tapestrybooks.com, AdoptionBook.com, online booksellers or local bookstores.

OTHER RESOURCES

"Adoption is an Option" brochure: Information for Birth parents and also a video by the same name. Ferre Institute (607) 724-4308 Video can be viewed at www.ferre.org

WEBSITES:

www.choicelinkup.com: access to resources on adoption on the Internet.

Adoptions.com

Adoptiononline.com

AdoptionProfessionals.com

Comments about making an adoption plan:

“When I first told my friends what I was thinking of, they said, “You can´t do that!” But they didn´t understand. They knew less than I did and I didn´t know very much.”

“I wanted to make my own decision, but at the same time, I almost wanted someone else to make it for me, because it was such a difficult choice.” --Birthfather

“One adoption agency was fabulous. They explained that whatever I wanted to happen with the adoption would happen. The agreement was completely between myself and the adoptive parents.”

“Once the baby was born it was very different. This little baby that was growing inside me was finally out and in the world, and decisions needed to be made and final.”

“I wanted to meet the parents and get to know them and talk and laugh with them. Because we chose an open adoption they were able to be there at the birth.”

“He looks so happy and he´s right at home. You can just see the joy and love in everyone´s eyes. They made him his family. It is hard. Tears fill up but I know he´s happy and that´s the most important thing.”

“At first I was in shock. I thought that I would have an abortion and go on with things, but I was afraid to tell my mother.”

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Fetal Development

 Many people need to know about stages of pregnancy and development of the pregnancy before they can make their decision. Or, you might just be curious to know how a sperm and an egg end up as a baby!

“How big is it? Is it formed?”
Doctors date the pregnancy from your Last Menstrual Period (LMP), which is the beginning of your cycle. Most conceptions happen two weeks after your last period. The following descriptions are based on the actual age of the embryo or fetus. This is usually two weeks less than age by LMP. (The LMP age is also listed.)
Example: If your last period was 8 weeks ago, the embryo is 6 weeks old. But your doctor will consider you 8 weeks along, because your cycle started then.

How pregnant are you?

First Day of Your Last Menstrual Period? __________

Today´s date __________

How many weeks between these two dates? __________

The growing embryo or fetus is two weeks less. It is now _______ weeks old. This is called the gestational age.
(Number of weeks since period - 2 weeks = gestational age)

Conception
Conception begins when the egg and sperm meet at the top of the fallopian tube after intercourse. After the egg and sperm fuse and become one, the new cell begins to divide. The cells divide and form two joined cells. These two cells divide again and again. By the time the conception reaches the uterus it is now made up of 8 - 12 cells. This ball of cells drops into the uterus and begins to find a spot along the wall of the uterus. This takes 5 days from conception.

Implantation
Over the next 10 days, some of the cells have the job of burying themselves into the top layer of the lining of the uterus. Some of the cells have the job to burrow into the uterus and other cells begin to work together to start forming an embryo. Growth happens when cells divide. The embryo grows into a fetus.

The sex was decided when the sperm fertilized the egg. There are two kinds of sperm, X bearing sperm and Y bearing sperm. Sex is determined by type of sperm. If fertilization happened with an X sperm then the fetus will be female. If it was a Y sperm then the fetus will be male.

Development
Weeks 2-4 (4-6 LMP)
The embryo begins to take shape. It goes from looking like a ball of cells to the shape of a small summer squash. By the third week, the squash shaped embryo grows a ridge that goes almost all around. Over the next 8 weeks, the ridge will grow and begin to form the spine and the early brain. In the fourth week, a very small tube is formed inside of this squash shaped embryo. This tube is the first step of many, many more steps that forms a heart. The embryo is the size of a poppy seed.

Week 5-6 (7-8 LMP)
The embryo will grow from the size of an apple seed to the size of a blueberry in these two weeks. The embryo begins to bathe in clear liquid inside the sac. The fetus begins to form limb “buds” which, over the next 4 weeks, grow into arms and legs.

Week 7-8 (9-10 LMP)
The fetus will first be as big a raspberry and eventually become the size of a small grape. In this two week period the part of the fetus that will eventually be the face begins to form the shape of eyes and ears. The fetal heart has grown from a tube to a four chambered heart. The liver, kidneys and pancreas have begun to form.

Week 9-10 (11-12 LMP)
During this time the fetus grows to the size of an average strawberry. The eyes, ears, nose and mouth continue to form. The soft skeleton is forming and muscle tissue begins to collect around it.

Week 11-12 (13-14 LMP)
By the 12th week, the fetus has grown to the size of a lime. The skeleton begins to harden. Blood vessels form in various parts of the fetus and begin to connect to one another.

4th month: 13-16 weeks (15-18 LMP)
By the end of this month (16 weeks) the fetus will measure about 10 centimeters, or about 4 1/2 inches. The stomach, intestine and colon have formed. The four chambered heart begins to build up muscle cells. Blood cells formed in the bone marrow begin to collect in the vessels. The skin covering the body begins to thicken and hair appears. The inner ear forms. The kidneys are formed and working. The ovary, uterus, vagina or penis have been forming over the last couple of weeks.

5th month: 17-20 weeks (19-22 LMP)
By the end of this month the fetus will be at least 12 inches long. The nose takes a more defined shape as cartilage (the soft bone) appears.

6th month: 21-24 weeks (23-26 LMP)
During the sixth month fetus weighs about 2 lb. and is 14 inches long. At this stage of development the various organs have formed. The following months will see increase in body fat.

7th month - 9th month
Over the next three months the fetus will gain at least five pounds and grow another 6- 7 inches. In the eighth month, taste buds form in the mouth. The lungs continue to make many small pockets to allow for breathing after birth.



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What can hurt the pregnancy?

Birth Defects
Birth defects can happen for many reasons. Each pregnancy carries a 2-5 % chance that the child will be born with a physical deformity and/or have some degree of mental retardation. The causes of birth defects can include

1. inherited conditions that are passed down in families,
2. accidental changes to the genes at the time the egg or sperm were forming, and
3. exposures to some kinds of chemicals, diseases, pollutants, and medications, including things you eat, drink and breathe.

If you are worried that your baby may inherit a condition or have been exposed to something bad, discuss this with your doctor. Or, ask to talk to a genetic counselor. Genetic counselors help women and families understand their chance of passing on a known condition in the family.

Do you know of an inherited disease or condition in your family?
Describe it:



Do you or anyone in your family have a birth defect?
Describe it:



Exposures
Some birth defects are caused by drugs, chemicals, viruses and by some medical conditions that a pregnant woman may have. These factors or “teratogens” should be avoided or controlled. If you are wondering if something you were exposed to can harm the pregnancy, keep reading and check the resource section for more help.

Have you been exposed to a chemical, drugs, medications, radiation/ x-rays or viruses since your last period (LMP)? For each item you listed, write down all the days you were exposed and if you know, the dosage. To decide if you may have a risk it is important to know:

Exposures

What you were exposed to?

How much, and for how long, was the exposure?

How old the embryo/fetus was when the exposure(s) occurred.


Exposure:

Amount:

Date:

Gestational age:


Ex: 1. Amoxicillin for a bladder infection
750 mg.
Daily June 1st-8th 12-13 weeks

Ex: 2. Albuterol inhaler for asthma
4 puffs every day
throughout pregnancy

Show this list to your doctor or genetic counselor.


Some Common Exposures
Here are some common exposures and the level of risk to the developing fetus. This is only a partial list. If your pregnancy has been exposed to one of these, please discuss this with your doctor. Additional information can be obtained (see resource section). Or, call a genetic counseling service at your medical center.

In alphabetical order:

Acne medications (retin A or Accutane):
Several years ago a new drug was made available to treat acne. This drug has also been prescribed for other facial blemishes.
Time of exposure to avoid: The first 12 weeks of pregnancy
Greatest risk: Between the second week and 5th week of pregnancy
Risks: There is a 25% risk that embryo/fetus exposed in the first 12 weeks will have a birth defect affecting the brain, heart and/or face. There is also a greater chance of miscarriage. It is important to remember that once you stop taking this drug it can stay in your body for weeks.

Alcohol:
Time of exposure to avoid: Anytime in pregnancy
Greatest Risk: Fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) is the leading cause of mental retardation in the U.S. Children who have FAS have growth delays, nervousness, possible heart defects as well as learning difficulties. Alcohol crosses the placenta, which means the baby gets it directly. Daily or excessive (over 5 drinks per day) alcohol use can harm the baby. There is no agreement on a safe level of alcohol use in pregnancy. FAS has been known to occur even for women who use alcohol in small amounts.
Uncertain risks: binge drinking or occasional social use. Risk in this situation is dependent on the stage of pregnancy, amount of alcohol and what type of alcoholic beverage was consumed. This is not a risk-free situation. You need to have a medical professional review your exposure. The father´s use of alcohol has not been proven to affect the developing fetus or child.

Antibiotics:
Some, but not all antibiotics are known to cause birth defects. Check with your doctor to learn if the antibiotic you were given carries a risk of birth defects. For example, let´s look at the risk of taking one antibiotic, streptomycin.
Time of exposure to avoid: The first 12 weeks
Greatest risk: After 4th week of pregnancy
Risks: There is an almost 10% risk that the ears of the developing fetus can be affected and result in deafness.

Anticonvulsants (medications to control seizures):
There are many different kinds of medications for seizure conditions. It is important to learn if the medication you are taking is known to carry a risk.
Time of exposure to avoid: The first and second trimesters (up to 24 weeks)
Greatest risk: The first 12 weeks.
Risks: Depending on which anticonvulsant was used in the pregnancy, there is a risk for heart defects, spina bifida, cleft lip, and mental and physical delays.

Catbox/ toxoplasmosis:
In the U.S. 3000 infants are born with birth defects resulting from exposure in early pregnancy to the parasite, toxoplasma gondii found in cat litter boxes.
Time of exposure to avoid: The first 12 weeks
Risks: About 30% of all women who become infected with this parasite in early pregnancy will pass it to the fetus. If it is exposed during this time, the baby is at risk for brain malformations, deafness, vision abnormalities, and mental retardation.

Cigarette smoking:
Time of exposure to avoid: The entire pregnancy
Greatest risk: The risk for complication rises with the number of cigarettes smoked per day and how far into the pregnancy the smoking occurred.
Risks: Women who smoke in their pregnancy have an increased chance that the pregnancy will end in a miscarriage or stillbirth. The babies are sometimes born with low birth weights. This is a critical risk for delay in the growth and development of the baby. Women who smoke have a greater risk than women who do not smoke for the baby to die from SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome).

Cocaine use:
Time of exposure to avoid: The entire pregnancy
Risks: Women who use cocaine in their pregnancy are more likely to have premature infants. Birth defects have been reported in exposed fetuses. Brain malformations, deformities of arms and legs, and abnormalities of the intestines have been reported.

Diabetes:
Diabetes can affect anyone at any age. Some forms of diabetes require the person to take insulin. Whether you take insulin or not, there is a known increased risk for birth defects. The medical condition of diabetes exposes the fetus to risk factors. The risk for having a child with a birth defect is about 6-9%.
Greatest risks: Women who take insulin and are not in control of daily insulin levels.
Risks: Many different kinds of birth defects can occur but the most common are spina bifida, heart defects and deformity of the legs. Women who are able to take insulin and control the diabetes have an excellent chance of avoiding this risk.

Medications for depression and anxiety:
There are many different medications that are used to help people with depression and feelings of anxiety or panic. It is important to tell your doctor that you are pregnant. Many of the new medications appear to not carry an increased risk of birth defects. There are some, such as lithium, which appears to bring an increased risk for a specific kind of heart defect. It does not happen to all babies exposed to lithium in pregnancy.

Microwaves/sitting in front of a computer screen:
There is no proof that microwaves or using computers puts a pregnancy at risk for birth defects.

Paint (household):
There is no evidence that use of household paint increases the risk of birth defects. Please remember to have good ventilation when painting.

Thyroid medicine:
There are medications that are prescribed for over-active and under-active thyroid. Ask your doctor if the medication you are taking is known to cause birth defects. Usually the time to avoid use of some forms of thyroid medication is between 4-20 weeks of fetal development.
Risks: Most common concern is developing an under active thyroid in the fetus. Some forms of medication can lead to skin not forming on parts of the body, like the head.

Viruses:
Some examples: Rubella (German measles), chicken pox, cytomegalovirus,
Time of exposure to avoid: The first 12 weeks of pregnancy
Risks: Women who are exposed to one of these virus during the first half of their pregnancy, and who never had been exposed before, may develop the illness. During this time, the embryo or fetus is also exposed. If the viral infection occurs during the development of the early brain, this can result in brain deformity and mental retardation.

Workplace Exposures:
If you work where chemicals are being used, it is your legal right under O.S.H.A.to have full disclosure of what the chemicals are and if they are known to affect health or pregnancies. Once you receive the list you may need to call a genetic counseling service in your city or state to review the documents for you.

X-Rays/radiation:
We are exposed to radiation in lots of ways-- at work, in our homes (radon) and when we have an X-ray. A critical aspect of x-rays is dosage or amount. Most average exposures are about 1 rad. Concern arises when a pregnancy is exposed to more than 5 rads. This would be the result of an unusual circumstance or medical crisis.
Time of exposure to avoid: The first trimester
Greatest risk: At the time of implantation of the dividing egg, and up to day 10.
Risks: There is an increased risk for miscarriage. Exposures after 10 days can result in stunted growth, developmental delay, mental retardation, and childhood cancers.

It is important to remember that all pregnancies carry a 2-5% risk of birth defects. In other words, even if you are not exposed to anything harmful, 2 to 5 pregnancies out of 100 will have a birth defect.

Resources

ORGANIZATIONS
Genetic Counselors: to find a genetic counselor, see www.nsgc.org or call your local medical center, March of Dimes office, or ask your doctor. www.nsgc.org

March of Dimes: for information on teratogens and things that will harm a pregnancy, call your local office or visit the website at www.modimes.org

OTIS (Organization of Teratology Information Services): for information regarding exposures during pregnancy and potential risk to the developing baby. www.OTISpregnancy.org

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Spiritual and Religious Concerns

What is Spirituality? People use many different names for their spirituality. One name is God. Others are Creator, Holy Spirit, Greater Truth, Higher Power, Voice Within, Inner Light, Loving Spirit, or Infinite Wisdom.

Our spirituality is wise and loving, and we usually know when we are honoring it. When we step away from our spirituality, we may actually feel pain and feel like we have betrayed ourselves. Sometimes we know this from our dreams, our intuition, or how we feel. It´s important to discover your own truth and honor it.

“Making a choice about your pregnancy can be a gift of learning and growth. It is an invitation for you to develop a larger vision of yourself. It´s a way to practice compassion and loving kindness toward yourself.”

(Adapted from “Abortion: Finding Your Own Truth” by Corrintha Rebecca Bennett, pamphlet from Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice 1025 Vermont Ave. NW #1130 Washington DC 20005 (202) 628-7700.)

What are your spiritual or religious concerns?

__ I`m afraid I will go to hell.

__ I don´t want to be “separated” from God.

__ I´m afraid I´m doing the wrong thing and God will punish me.

__ I´m afraid God, or my baby, won´t forgive me.

__ I´m not sure how my minister or friends at church would think of me.

__ I´m not sure God can forgive me for more than one abortion.

__ I think I should repent, but I don´t know how.

__ I am not sure I can forgive myself.

__ Other:

What Different Religions Say

Here are some thoughts from many religions and beliefs about a woman making her own choice and particularly about abortion. These thoughts may not be the “official” position of a religion, but they may be helpful to your thinking.

Protestant Faiths:
What the Bible says: “What is a good woman?” The biblical tradition repeatedly offers a clear idea of free choice for women. In the Bible, good women make many complex and important decisions. Fertility is not one of the attributes for which women are praised in the Bible. Instead, women are praised for their wisdom. Praise for the goodness of women who wisely manage their situation is found all through the Bible. A woman is admired for the way in which she rises above difficulty.

The heritage of Jesus in the gospel of Matthew cites four specific women as foremothers: Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, and Bathsheba. Each of them was considered a social outcast. Each woman experienced a serious threat to her well-being. Each, in order to manage her situation, risked going against what was “normal” for their time. In so doing, each woman rose above difficulty and won respect within the community.

None of the choices made long ago by these biblical women were easy. Their moral and their sexual decisions were not clearly right or wrong, but they are remembered in the religious record as women who wisely handled difficult situations.

Adapted from “How Good Women Make Wise Choices” by Rev. Nancy Rockwell, pamphlet published by Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice 1025 Vermont Ave. NW Suite 1130 Washington DC 20005 (202) 628-7700. Web site: www.rcrc.org

Black Protestant Ministers:
“We are Black Ministers, and we are writing to remind you that God loves you--no matter what!--and that you are always a part of the caring community of Black people. As you make your decision, meditate on God´s mercy and love.”

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? ...For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God. --Romans 8

Excerpted from “Black Ministers Support Your Right To Choose,” pamphlet from Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice 1025 Vermont Ave. NW #1130 Washington DC 20005 (202) 628-7700 www.rcrc.org

Judaism and abortion:
In the Jewish tradition, there is an overriding concern for the sacredness of life, but there is no one rule that talks about the morality of abortion. In general, the woman is valued: her life, her pain, and her concerns take priority over those of a fetus. An existing life is always sacred and takes priority over the life of a fetus, which is seen as a potential person. The majority of Jewish legal sources say that abortion is permissible if the well-being of the mother is at risk.

from "Abortion: Perspectives from Jewish Traditions" Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice 1025 Vermont Ave. NW #1130 Washington DC 20005 (202) 628-7700 www.rcrc.org

Islam (Muslim) and abortion:
There are no verses in the Quran (“Ko-ran”) specifically about abortion. But the general teachings of the Quran refer to the sanctity of all life. The verse, "Hence, do not kill your children for fear of poverty, (17:33) is often referred to as opposing abortion. This verse was originally meant to prohibit the killing of newborn females, which was a practice in Islam before Mohammed´s time.

In Islamic teaching, the soul is said to enter the fetus at 120 days (four months) after conception. In some schools of Islamic law, this makes an abortion before 120 days, less bad than one after that time.

There are a very few reasons for abortion in Islamic teaching: If the woman's life or long-term health is threatened by the pregnancy, and if a nursing infant is threatened by its mother's next pregnancy. *In the past, Muslim physician-scholars wrote about abortion and its uses. Al Razi (d. 923 A.C.) wrote that abortive medicines could be used if a very young woman was raped, or if carrying the fetus to term would kill the mother. Ibn Sina (d.1037 A.C.) wrote, "At times it may be necessary to have an abortion: 1) when the pregnant woman is young and small and it is feared that childbirth would cause her death, or 2)when she suffers from a disease of the uterus (that would) make it very difficult for the fetus to emerge." **

The sayings of the Prophet Mohammad (SWT), called The Hadith, mention miscarriage when a pregnant woman is injured by another, and require payment for this injury. This is called Al Kaffarah, penance or atonement. Kaffarah as atonement for an abortion would be fasting for two consecutive months. In Islam, fasting means you cannot eat during the day, but you can eat at night. When a woman is having her period she is not allowed to fast (it would be too hard on her system) so
she fasts an extra few days at the end of the two months.

Like every religious tradition, Islam has very strict teachings, as well as more open ideas of those same teachings. Each woman must come to her own understanding of her faith. And she should remember that in Islam, “God is merciful.”

* (Muhammad Sa`id Ramadan al Buti, Tahdid al Nasl, Damascus: Marktabah al Farabi, 1976, pp. 96-99).
**(Abdul Fadl Mohsin Ebrahim, Abortion, Birth Control, & Surrogate Parenting: An Islamic Perspective. Indianapolis: American Trust Publications, 1989, p.92).

Buddhism and Abortion:
In Buddhism, as in most other world religions, there are many viewpoints and beliefs about abortion and women´s right to choose it. As a Buddhist of 13 years, and a patient educator working in abortion care for 4 years, I believe there is a morally and theologically sound pro-choice philosophy within the tenets of the Buddhism of the Lotus Sutra. Theologians from all religious backgrounds have been continuously debating the question of when life begins in order to decide whether abortion is allowable within the confines of their religion. Questions regarding the nature of life bring to mind two most basic ideas about life in Buddhism. First, life is believed to be eternal; without beginning or end. Life and death are two sides of the same coin, and just as nature passes through the seasons of spring, summer, fall, and winter, human beings pass through cycles of life that are continuous and eternal. Buddhism also teaches that life is sacred, and to be protected at all costs. In between these two fundamental tenets lies a large gray area in which we as Buddhists are challenged to find our own wisdom to apply to the challenge of making a decision regarding an unplanned pregnancy.

The reason I am Buddhist and pro-choice is this: in both philosophies women are trusted to make wise decisions for the struggles they come upon in life, based upon their own innate wisdom. And in both philosophies, women are able to determine the course of their lives through these decisions. If you are struggling to make a decision regarding your pregnancy, or are looking for a way to heal spiritual wounds after an abortion, know this: you have within you the ability to turn this difficult time into one of growth, and eventually happiness. In Buddhism, there is a concept called the Ten Worlds, or ten basic life states. They are, from lowest to highest, Hell, Hunger, Animality, Anger, Tranquility, Rapture, Learning, Realization, Bodhisattva, and Buddahood. At each moment of life we are manifesting one of these life states. In conjunction with this is the idea of the Mutual Possession of the Ten Worlds; that within each life state is the potential to manifest the other nine. Human beings are constantly shifting between these states. As Buddhists, we strive to elevate our basic life tendency, striving towards Buddahood. The important thing to realize is that no matter where you are, you have the ability already in you to be happy, have closure, and be at peace with whatever decision you have made or will make.

Buddhism holds that each person´s life is infinitely valuable and precious. That you hold, or have held, life within you does not deny this fact of your life. It is important to remember that you have the power to shape your life, attain your dreams, and change difficult, painful circumstances into knowledge, wisdom, and ultimately, happiness. Whether you write in a journal, meditate, chant, or perform rituals to determine the best path for your life, always remember this: the answer to your question lies within you and cannot be dictated by any other being in this world, or another. Listening to what your heart is telling you is the first step on this life-long path. The Lotus Sutra was Shakymuni; Buddha´s final and most essential teaching that he left to his followers before his death. In it he states the equality of all living beings, and everyone´s ability to attain enlightenment in this lifetime as they are.

In Buddhism, as in most other world religions, there are many beliefs about abortion and women´s right to choose it. Religious leaders from all backgrounds have always been debating the question of when life begins to understand when abortion is allowable within the teachings of their religion.

Buddhists have two basic beliefs about the nature of life. First, life is believed to be eternal, without beginning or end. Life and death are “two sides of the same coin.” Just as nature passes through the seasons of spring, summer, fall, and winter, human beings pass through cycles of life that are continuous and eternal. Secondly, Buddhism teaches that life is sacred, and to be protected at all costs. In between these two fundamental beliefs lies a large “gray area” in which a Buddhist must find her own wisdom to make a decision about a pregnancy.

In Buddhism, women are trusted to make wise decisions for the struggles they come upon in life, based upon their own inner wisdom. Buddhism understands that women´s decisions will determine the course of their lives.

If you are struggling to make a decision regarding your pregnancy... Or, if you are looking for a way to heal spiritual wounds after an abortion, know this: you have within you the ability to turn this difficult time into one of growth, and eventually happiness.

In Buddhism, there is a concept called the Ten Worlds, or 10 basic life states. They are, from lowest to highest, Hell, Hunger, Animality, Anger, Tranquility, Rapture, Learning, Realization, Buddhist, and Buddahood. At each moment of life we are manifesting one of these life states. And, we have the potential to be in the other 9 life states at any time. Actually, human beings are constantly shifting between these states. As Buddhists, we strive to elevate our basic life tendency, striving towards “Buddahood.”

The important thing to realize is that no matter where you are at, you have the ability, already inside you, to be happy and be at peace with whatever decision you have made or will make.

Buddhism holds that each person´s life is infinitely valuable and precious. That you hold, or have held, life within you does not deny this fact of your life. It is important to remember that you have the power to shape your life and attain your dreams. You can change difficult, painful situations into knowledge, wisdom, and ultimately, happiness.

You can write in a journal, meditate, chant, or perform rituals to determine the best path for your life. Always remember this: the answer to your question lies within you and cannot be dictated by any other being in this world. Listening to what your heart is telling you is the first step on this life-long path.

Shakymuni Buddha, in his final and most essential teaching, affirms “the equality of all living beings, and everyone´s ability to attain enlightenment in this lifetime as they are.”

Catholicism and abortion:
Catholics For A Free Choice- The official Catholic Church teaches that abortion is morally wrong. "This is not, as most Catholics think, based on the belief that the fetus is a person. The Church has no firm doctrine on when the fetus becomes a person. Thus, this teaching has never been proclaimed as infallible by the Pope. The Church is also more than the Pope and the Bishops. It includes all the people of God. Clergy, theologians and laity work together to develop church teachings. Many theologians and lay people feel that abortion can sometimes be a moral decision and that conscience is the final arbiter of any abortion decision." The Church also teaches that the conscience of the individual is supreme. "If you carefully examine your conscience and then decide abortion is the most moral act you can do at this time, you are not committing a sin." As with all religions, individuals must decide what their conscience says and their faith advises.

In fact, Catholic women choose abortion in the same proportion as non-Catholic women. Catholics for Free Choice "You Are Not Alone" 1436 U St. NW #301 Washington DC 20009. www.catholicsforchoice.org.

Pope John Paul II recognizes that “in dire circumstances, some women may honestly feel trapped with no viable option or alternative but to turn to abortion. Decisions that go against life sometimes arise from difficult or even tragic situations of profound suffering, loneliness, a total lack of economic prospects, depression, and anxiety about the future. Such circumstances can mitigate, even to a notable degree, subjective responsibility and consequent culpability of those who make these choices which, in themselves, are wrong.” (as quoted by Father Roberts, speech, 1998)

A Pagan View of Pregnancy Decisions:
Paganism is a pre-Christian tradition that believes that all life-- humans, animals, plants, the earth-- are part of a Web. When we make difficult choices we look at many things: where we are in our lives, what our relationships are like, how good our support is, how old we are, our financial situation, our family, our spiritual beliefs, our hopes, our dreams, our fears etc. As pagans, we honor the web and understand that we are all connected by and to one another. We consider the entire web, but our
greatest attention naturally falls on our own part of the web.

Pagans tend to believe that souls can move from one body to another. So, abortion shuts a door, but that door is only one among many. That is not something to be taken lightly, and this soul is considered part of the web. Like most other spiritual people, Pagans tend to believe that the big events in our lives have "karmic" meaning. A pregnancy can carry all sorts of messages, which may be best served by opting in favor of abortion, adoption or a baby.

What is the lesson of the pregnancy? We ought to approach a pregnancy decision with an awareness of the web, and with love and self-acceptance. Ideally, you would have three rituals, the first to help make the decision, the second after the decision has been made and the third a year and a day after the decision, to complete the cycle.

The first ritual is to help you make a decision in line with karma, and with the involvement of the divine. That means acting from your highest motivations and being open to what The Gods say. Your highest motivation may be about family or your education or career--whatever is important to you. The second ritual acknowledges whatever your decision is, and thanks The Gods for their participation and their blessings. It also includes discussing the decision with the soul associated with the fetus, thanking it for the life lesson and asking its blessings. Whatever the decision, it is important to realize that its effects are lifelong. Therefore, it is useful to perform a third ritual, a year and a day after the first one to acknowledge this effect. The third ritual should recognize the karmic message and thank The Gods for the blessing of this life lesson.

(Adapted from "What would the Goddess say? A Pagan approach to Abortion" by Beth Goldstein.)

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Healing Work

Whenever there is an attachment or a connection that is broken off, there can be feelings of loss. Many people are surprised at how difficult the grieving process can be. Grief is different for everyone. There is no set timeframe. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Allow yourself time to grieve if you need it. Talk to others who understand. Be gentle with yourself.

We don´t always talk about loss or grief in our culture and people don´t always know what to say. If someone dies, we take comfort from others through the rituals our culture offers. We might get flowers, or sympathy cards, or people might drop in and bring food, or pay their respects. There is a funeral or memorial service.

Pregnancy loss, in our culture, is not often looked at this way, and so many women find themselves alone with feelings of loss and grief. They may even feel that they don´t deserve sympathy or that they did something bad and that is why they feel sad or guilty.

But, the loss of a pregnancy, through abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, or adoption can be experienced as a major loss and deserves its own grief process. Sometimes the anniversaries of a loss or the pregnancy due date bring on feelings of sadness. Sometimes we are also grieving a lost relationship or even the idea of being pregnant and having a family.

Because most of our religions and cultures do not help us with this kind of grief, women are finding that they must “make it up” or invent our own rituals. This might include other people or it might be very private. It might be as simple as lighting a candle. Or writing something. Or it might be a ritual filled with symbols and music and poetry.

In the following section you will find rituals from other cultures and ones that women have created for themselves. These events help the woman and her supporters acknowledge her loss and think about it in a way that helps her heal.

Ceremony to Release Spirit Life (Taino Clan)
The woman who has spirit life within also knows the responsibility of motherhood. She does not accept this gift lightly. She knows that to accept motherhood is to make a commitment to insure the nurturing needed for that life to grow.

Mother Earth provides for our needs and the needs of all her other children, season after season. So, too, the path of motherhood requires a woman to nurture, teach, and heal her children as long as they are in need of her special care.

Sometimes a woman will find spirit life within her womb when she is not in a position to take on the nurturing responsibilities. The woman knows in her heart that the time is not now. She cannot sustain this new life. Then she asks for a ceremony of releasing spirit life.

There is a sadness, of course, at this releasing. But there is also honor. The woman expresses her thoughts as well as listening to the spirit voice within. She speaks with this spirit life many times. Spirit and woman are both in agreement with this separation. For the good of all, the spirit life gives itself away.

This ceremony can also be performed when the spirit life decides that the time for entering the earthwalk is not now. In this case, the woman miscarries. The releasing ceremony eases the spirit connection between her and the spirit life that was once inside her womb.

After a ceremonial bath with rose petals, the woman sings a song to honor the spirit life. She thanks the spirit for the lessons this situation has brought her. She lets the spirit life know that it is time to go back. She sings to her Grandmothers for their help in this process of change. She sings to her Guardian Spirit for strength and healing.

Then she enters the lodge dressed in red. She places a small gift that she has made for the spirit life into the Grandmother´s basket. The Elder Grandmother burns sage and copal in a ceremonial shell and honors the four directions and the other women in the circle. With the spirit feather, the Elder encircles the woman in smoke and turns her around several times one way and then the other. The ties between the woman and spirit life are undone.

The Elder takes the shell with burning herbs and the gift for the spirit life and throws them into the fire. The circle of women chant the releasing song and begin the dance of Spiral Life.

Finally the woman must dream the spirit life back to the Great Womb where all spirits go at the end of life. She becomes a manifestation of the Wild Mother, who calls us at the end of our Earthwalk. When she returns her awareness to the circle of women, they give her hugs and gifts of flowers or other things. Or, they brush her hair or wash her feet.

The path of each Earthwalk is exactly as long as we need it to be. Some of us have longer paths than others. For these young lives, there is always another opportunity at another time. Life begins... life ends....life begins again, all a part of the turning of the Great Spiral. (Taino Ritual, Caney Clan)(Adapted from Songs of Bleeding by Spider p. 138-141, 1992, Black Thistle Press 491 Broadway New York, NY 10012 (212) 219-1898. $15.00) Permission granted.

Mizuko Jizo --Ceremony for Water Babies (Buddhist, Japan)
Buddhists believe that babies who die in infancy, during miscarriage or abortion do not have a soul. They think they are in the "river that separates the world of life and death." They see them as “water babies” who need help to get to the other side. Jizo is the protector of travelers, helping the water babies get across the river from life to death, and be at peace.

At Buddhist temples and in the countryside there are Jizo statues. A woman or a couple adopts one of these statues and inscribes a name on it. Then they dress it in red "bibs" (traditional clothing for Buddhist monks) or offer it toys or presents that they make. Sometimes they pour water on it to quench its thirst. It´s important to them not to forget the baby that died. They may visit the Jizo statue for many years and eventually bring its real life brothers and sisters to honor its memory.

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Writing a Letter

Many women find that they are talking to the spirit of the child inside them, sometimes out loud and sometimes in their heads. If you realize you are doing this, you are not alone. It may be useful to write your thoughts down on paper. Some women tell how they came to their decision. Some ask for forgiveness. Some thank the spirit for the wisdom or thoughts they have had about life. Some say how much they love the baby.

If you are placing your child for adoption, you might want to have the birth parents give your letter to the child at a certain age. You might want to write one letter for your grief process and one to give to the child.

In working out grief, some counselors suggest that you write another letter to the woman you were at the time you made your decision. Understanding, compassion, and forgiveness might be part of what you offer that woman. Sometimes it is useful to imagine you are talking to your best friend.

And then, some women "listen" to what the spirit child is saying and write that down. One woman who chose an abortion reported that it said, “Don´t worry, I´m a spirit, I can come back in any form.”

These letters can be very healing. When you are done with them you can make a decision to keep them in a safe place, or share them with someone who can understand. Some women choose to bury the letter or burn it, thus “releasing” it back to the earth. You might want to do this after the guided day dream exercise in this section. You might want to wait a while to do this work.

 

Examples of letters from women choosing abortion.

Dear Baby,
I´m sorry I won´t get to see you and watch you grow. I feel very sad about this, but I think you are better off in Heaven. If you came now, it would be very hard for all of us. I hope that you can understand and forgive me. I will see you in Heaven. I love you very much. Mom


To my little angel,
Although I say goodbye today, you will always be in my mind, heart, and soul. Please understand that this wasn't your time, because you are better off in the hands of God than mine at this moment. My own creation, you are, and forever will be, beautiful and pure .I smile when I think of you, even if I cry. You have given me reason to be strong and wise and responsible. You will always be my baby. I will see you in heaven, sweetheart.
I LOVE YOU! Always and unconditionally your mommy, 05-31-01


Poem written by woman at clinic just before an abortion:

Without Even Knowing You

Without even knowing you
I feel a special bond.
A closeness no one else could feel,
A love that's shared as one.
But, now I know you have to leave,
And because you are, I can't receive
The joy and love you're supposed to be.
Without even knowing you
I feel a tremendous loss.
How I feel and what I know
End up telling me you need to go.
You were loved before you came,
And you'll be missed when you are gone.
But, I know, someday, you will return
And that's what keeps me holding on.
I love you.
In loving memory.
--4-7-99

Women´s Stories

Women are very wise. These are actual stories of women who have told us how they have created a way to grieve.

Shelley: “I collect enameled boxes. So I took my very favorite box and wrote a little note in it to the baby. Then my mother and I buried it in the garden. We both cried, but it really helped me.”

Tammy: “One of my favorite places to walk and to think is this old orchard near my school. So, I decided to plant a tree there --an apple tree. I´m probably moving away, so I can´t watch it grow, but in my mind, it´s growing.”

Deb: “I had a long conversation with the spirit child that I was carrying and we decided it couldn´t be. For me, it was like throwing a star back into the sky. Sometimes I look at the night sky and think, maybe that one is my star.”

Sharon: “It was right before Christmas when I lost my baby. So I got a Christmas ornament and every year I put it up and it reminds me of that child that couldn´t be.”

Jen: “I got a helium balloon and carried it around for a while. It made me happy. Then I released it and said goodbye.”

Claire: “When I was making my decision someone gave me a beautiful polished stone. I held it during the abortion and kept it for a long while after. Then I walked down to the river one day and threw it as far as I could. I felt peaceful.”

Annie: “My father died a few months ago. We were very close. He always used to tell me to go down by the river and watch it go on its way to its destination, the ocean. I knew that my father was at his destination, Heaven, and that he would take care of my baby.”

Charlotte: "I had a very hard time with my decision but I thought abortion was best for me and for my baby. But it didn't mean that I didn't care. I found a pendant that had two halves of a heart. I wear one and I buried the other half to remind me that something of me was lost."

Bea: "It was difficult for me to cry even though I felt terribly sad. Someone suggested that I take some time and just be sad. So I did. I took one whole day and wrote about my feelings, listened to some music that always makes me cry, and basically, said "goodbye". Also I didn't eat until sundown, but then my food tasted so good. Now I still think about it but it doesn't feel like I'm all bottled up."

Suzanne: "I did a ceremony by the river. I collected some feathers and put them in a little white silk cloth, closed it with a ribbon, and threw it in the river with a white lily and a red rose. I've also sown seeds of wild flowers next to the river. This helped me feel more peaceful, to remember, but also release some of the pain, and to feel all right. My notebook also helps me."

Shaniqua: "This may sound strange, but on the due date that would have been, I get a cupcake like it was a birthday. It's OK."

Crys: "I had a terrible time for about a year, then I wrote a poem to the baby and went to the highest hill around where there would be a good wind. I read the poem out loud, then ripped it into little pieces and let the wind take it. I still grieve but it was a good thing to do.

(If you would like to share your story in future editions of this workbook, please click on Contact.)


“Whether we experience it or not, grief accompanies all the major changes in our lives. When we realize that we have grieved before and recovered, we see that we may recover this time as well. It is more natural to recover...than to halt in the tracks of grief forever...our expectations, willingness, and beliefs are all essential to our recovery from grief. It is right to expect to recover, no matter how great the loss. Recovery is the normal way.”
Judy Tatelbaum


Resources

BOOKS

PEACE AFTER ABORTION A Pro-Choice Self-Help Guide for Women and Men, by Ava Torre-Bueno, LCSW $11.95 postpaid. Pimpernel Press PO Box 33110 San Diego, CA 92163-3110 website: peaceafterabortion.com

"Motherhood Lost: A Feminist Account of Pregnancy Loss in America", by Linda Layne, Routledge 2003

“A Time to Decide, A Time to Heal”, Pineapple Press. Available from the store on this site. Click on Store on the home page.

THE HEALING CHOICE Your Guide to Emotional Recovery After an Abortion, by Candace DePuy, PhD and Dana Dovitch, PhD, $12, Simon & Schuster, available in bookstores or 1-800-999-7909.

UNSPEAKABLE LOSSES Understanding the Experience of Pregnancy Loss, Miscarriage, and Abortion, by Kim Kluger-Bell $23.95, WW Norton Book Co. 1998

“Inner Healing After Abortion”, by Marilyn Gryte www.mgryteinnerhealing.com $6. Also available at Pregnancy Options store.

SAYING GOODBYE TO A BABY: the Birthparent´s Guide to Loss and Grief in Adoption, by Patricia Roles, MSW,$12.95 Available from Tapestry Books, 1-800-765-2367.


TALKLINES

Backline www.yourbackline.org: All pregnancy options discussed including “post” feelings. 1.888.493.0092

Exhale www.4exhale.org: After abortion Talkline several languages available 1-866-439-4253

WEBSITES

“Healthy Coping After an Abortion,” pdf: www.abortionconversation.com/conpiece.php

www.choicelinkup.com: an up-to-date guide to many websites that offer reproductive health information and services.

www.afterabortion.com: Self-help site.

www.Heartssite.com: is a website for women who want to leave other women a message about their experience of abortion.

www.AbortionChronicles.com: women’s abortion stories.

www.babybluesconnection.org: for perinatal mood disorder information, national message line for women both pregnant and postpartum.





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Guided Day Dream on Loss

For more information about guided imagery or visualizations see the Decision-making Exercise Section.

Loss or grief are associated with abortion or adoption for many women. For some it may be mild. For others it may be deep. Yet our society has no formal way to get support from others or get recognition for our feelings. You may even wonder if you have a right to be supported. After all, you may think, “It was my choice.”

If you are having any of those thoughts, take a moment to remember how the process of deciding what to do with a pregnancy has been for you. Can you have compassion for yourself and appreciate the love and care with which you have made this decision? You deserve understanding and comfort no matter what your choice.

This guided imagery is designed to help you recognize what losses you may be feeling, and to release them gently.

On Loss:

Begin by getting comfortable -- lie down if you can, or at least have your head supported. Breathe deeply and slowly. Notice your breathing -- inhaling and exhaling. No need to change it.

As you breathe in, know that you breathe in everything you need to release your losses. As you breathe out, let go of anything you don´t need for this process. Notice how each breath helps you relax even more deeply. Notice how your body is resting comfortably and peacefully against the soft cushion beneath you. It is good to know that each sensation in your body helps you in becoming even more relaxed and peaceful.

Imagine a beautiful light surrounding your feet. It moves gently and gradually up and through your body and out the top of your head, leaving you feeling safe, secure, centered, and with a sense of well-being. Take your time. That´s good. (pause) Imagine now that you find yourself in a beautiful place in nature.It may be a favorite or familiar place, or it may be a place you´ve never been before. Begin now to have a sense of this beautiful place.

Notice what you see or sense around you and how it feels to be here. Know that this is your own special place. Allow the sensations of being in this beautiful setting to fill your body with a joy and peace you may not have felt for some time. Just for this time allow yourself to sink deep into that peace. (pause) That´s good.

Notice a path in front of you in this beautiful place, and begin to walk down the path. After a short way down the path it is easy to see a clearing with a campfire. Sit down in a comfortable place. Notice the sounds and smells around you.

Allow yourself to bring to mind what you have lost in this process of making this decision. You may have lost your innocence, or a relationship. That´s important to you. You may have lost trust in yourself or someone else. You may have lost the experience of yourself as a mother. You may have lost the child you chose not to have. Allow yourself to feel these losses.

Reach out and find a basket next to you. Look around this beautiful clearing and find an object that represents each of your losses. Leave the loss of the potential child for last. A loss may be represented by a feather, a stone, a branch, a flower, a leaf, or any other object you can imagine or sense around you.

Place each object into the basket. As you do that, consider each loss one by one. Take a moment to speak to each object. What is the gift that came with each loss? What are you grateful for?

Allow yourself to say goodbye and find a way to let go of each.
You may bury the object and return it to the earth
You may burn the object and allow it to return to the sky.
You may place the object into the river and allow the current to take it downstream.
You may find another way.

Release each object in your basket in whatever way is best for you.
Now turn and allow yourself to sense the child you will not have. (pause) See the child as you imagine it might be. Is it a boy or a girl? What color hair and eyes does this child have?

Feel warmth as the child takes your hand. Begin to walk down the path. Feel the sun, and hear the sounds as you walk. You look down and smile. The child smiles back and you feel perfect trust between you.

You begin to speak and realize that the child understands you without words. If you need to, ask this child for forgiveness for not being able to mother this child. (pause)

Listen with your heart for forgiveness. (pause)

As you come to the end of the path, sit down in the grass and take the child into your arms. Beside you are three gifts for this spirit child. The first gift is a symbol of your love -- give it to the child. (pause)
The second gift is a symbol of protection -- give it to the child.The last gift is for strength -- give this gift to the child.

Now hold your hands out and accept a gift from the child. It is a gift that symbolizes acceptance and forgiveness. Take this gift and place it into your heart where you can keep it forever. Now tell the child anything else you want to say. Feel the child communicate its feelings to you, heart to heart. (pause)

Now it is time to say goodbye. Open your arms and allow the child to stand, and to begin to walk away from you. Then the child turns and waves goodbye. You wave goodbye, and a blessing passes between you. The child turns again and walks down the path and slowly disappears into a bright, white light. (pause)

Feel yourself releasing the spirit of the child. When you feel complete, allow the peace to return. Touch your heart and remember the gift you have received. Gently open your eyes and sit quietly until you are ready to leave this state of relaxation and imagination. It is good to know that you can return to this beautiful place in nature any time you want to complete your healing, and you can touch your heart at any time to feel the sense of peace and wholeness you created.


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No Matter What ...Taking Care of Yourself

 No matter what you choose, there are some things you need to know just to take care of yourself. In this section you will find some advice on dealing with morning sickness, on birth control, on protecting yourself against sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS. You can also learn about endometriosis and how to be sexually "healthy". And finally, there is a section on continuing to take care of yourself emotionally. In all choices, you can have some strong feelings or big changes in your life, and you need as much support as possible.

Morning Sickness:
Most women have nausea when they are pregnant. For some women it is very severe. For some, it lasts longer than just the morning. Usually it lasts from the 5th week to the 12th week, but it can last the whole pregnancy. There are many patterns of morning sickness. There are some prescription medications that help, but most doctors won´t prescribe them because of possible harm to the fetus. Some women are helped by over-the-counter products like Dramamine or Emetrol, that control nausea. There are some other safe remedies suggested by alternative medicine and women´s home remedies. The real danger to you is in getting dehydrated. If you can't hold any water or liquid down at all for a day or more, call your doctor or seek help at a walk-in clinic or emergency room.

Folk Remedies:
Small sips of water mixed with salt and bicarbonate of soda (baking soda) can be very helpful. Many women find that eating dry crackers like Saltines and a bit of apple works to stop nausea. Sometimes eating crackers first thing in the morning, before you get up, works well. Some women have found relief from taking Vitamin B-6 or Iron. Peppermint or ginger, in the form of tea, gum, or candy sometimes settles the stomach.

Other suggestions: Avoid greasy and fried foods. Avoid the smell of cooking and other strong smells. Try smelling fresh lemon, or lick lemon slices. Drink liquids warm or at room temperature. Eat only small amounts of raw food such as salads, raw fruits and vegetables. Steamed vegetables are easier on your stomach. Bland foods such as oatmeal, rice, pasta, bagels, or bread usually digest well. Eat any foods that taste good to you.

Also: Don´t get overtired. Avoid loud noises, crowded places, or too much activity.

Homeopathy:
Homeopathy is a system of alternative medicine that uses tiny amounts of substances to encourage your body to “fix” itself. There may be homeopathic doctors in your area or a chiropractor who knows something about homeopathy. Most health food stores carry some homeopathic remedies. Here are the patterns of nausea and the remedies that might help:

1. Antimonium Tartrate- Vomiting occurs suddenly right after eating with a lot of mucus.
2. Argentum Nitricum- Nausea with a lot of gas. Also a craving for sweets. Worse when it´s hot; better when cool.
3. Ipecacuanha- Constant nausea and vomiting with lots of saliva (spit). Not much thirst. Irritability.
4. Nux vomica- Vomiting with spasms right after breakfast. Lower stomach feels heavy and constipation is frequent. Irritable.
5. Petroleum- persistent nausea, always hungry. Returns to eating after vomiting.
6. Pulsatilla- nausea comes and goes. Hates greasy or fatty foods. No thirst, but cold acidic drinks feel OK. Teary.
7. Sepia- Nausea but hungry all the time. Sensation of emptiness. Indifferent to life. Constipation. Irritable.
8. Sulphur- Burning, acid vomit, with odor. Hungry. Diarrhea. Skin itches. Worse on waking.

You can find these remedies in many health food stores or complementary medicine clinics. Information from Homeopathic Medicine for Women by Trevor Smith, MD Healing Arts Press 1 Park St. Rochester VT 05767.

Traditional Chinese Medicine (Acupuncture and Herbs):
Chinese medicine hopes to achieve balance in the body. They believe that there are various points on the body that help keep the body in balance. They also think that various herbs are beneficial.

The most common advice from Traditional Chinese Medicine is to apply pressure to the wrist. There is also an acupressure “bracelet” that is sometimes sold in drug stores. You can press the spot yourself for temporary relief. Use your thumb and apply steady pressure. The bracelet presses the spot for you.

According to this system of medicine, nausea happens when the digestive system is out of balance. If you are having severe morning sickness, you may find help from an acupuncturist in your area.

 

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Getting Pregnant Only When You Want To- Birth Control

It is possible to get pregnant again right after childbirth or an abortion. Generally, you shouldn't have intercourse for two weeks after an abortion and for 4 weeks after childbirth. But after that, even if you are breastfeeding, it is possible to get pregnant. Right now, you may not want to think about having sex, but it's best to find a birth control method that really works for you.

“What´s the most effective method?”
The most effective non-permanent methods are the Pill, (or other hormonal methods like the Patch or Ring), or injectable hormones, like the Depo Provera shot, or the IUD, They all are 97-99% effective against pregnancy when used the right way. However, none of them protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS. Only condoms can help with that. Please remember that no method is 100% effective, even when used correctly.

The pill: the pill is the most popular form of birth control in the US. Most women like it and can take it without problems. Some women have side effects with the pill. Most are not serious like bleeding in the middle of the cycle, nausea, or a change in mood. A very few are serious like migraine headaches, vision problems, and stroke. There are many different kinds of pills and usually your doctor can find one that works for you, without side effects. If the cost of the pill is too much for you ask your doctor for a generic pill which will cost significantly less. Also, family planning clinics can often sell you the pill for less or even give it to you for free.

The pill works well for women who remember to take it every single day. Most people find that morning is a good time to take the pill because they remember it better. It needs to be part of your routine -- make it a habit!

Some medicines interfere with the pill--like some antibiotics, other medicines, as well as St. John's Wort herbal remedy. Ask your doctor or pharmacist.

There are other benefits to the pill: some protection against ovarian and endometrial cancers, shorter and lighter periods, regular periods, quick return to fertility. Several studies show that “extended” cycles of pills are better for some women who may have heavy or painful periods. Some new pills have 24 active ingredient pills so that you have a shorter period. Other pills give you a period every two or three months. Ask your doctor for more information.

"Depo" or "The Shot:" Depo Provera™ is an injection of the hormone progestin which you would get once every three months. You don't have to remember to take a pill everyday, but you do have to remember to get a shot every 12 weeks. Some women report weight gain and irregular periods. The Depo has no estrogen in it, so it is better for women who have problems taking the pill. Being able to get pregnant again after a long time using this method may -- or may not -- take a while. Also, extended use may cause your bones to lose calcium, so a calcium rich diet is important (a lot of dairy, green vegetables.)

The IUD Paraguard™ or Mirena™: The IUD stands for Intra-Uterine Device and is used throughout the world and the U.S. IUD's are good for up to 5 or 10 years depending on the brand. The IUD makes a poor climate in the uterus for getting pregnant. One advantage to the Paraguard™ is that there are no hormones in your whole system. Mirena™ is coated in a hormone which may be good for some women with heavy periods. The IUD only effects the uterus. It is not recommended for women with a history of sexually transmitted disease, or a greater risk for STD’s. It is ideal for women who do not want more children but who are not ready to get a tubal/sterilization or for any woman who wants to delay child-bearing for a long time.

Hormonal implants” Norplant™ is no longer available, but a new single rod implant called Implanon™ is now available. The hormone is in a rod which is inserted under the skin, on the inside of your arm. The hormone is the same as the one in Depo Provera™ so if you are interested, try the shot first to see if it agrees with you. A doctor must put the Implanon™ in your arm and take it out. It is effective for up to 3 years. Consult your doctor to see if this is a good method for you.

The "Patch" (Ortho Evra™) is another way to deliver the same hormones as the pill. You put a new patch on every Sunday for three weeks and then have a period week, and start again. It is especially helpful if you are not good at remembering a pill every day. May not be effective for anyone overweight. Ask your doctor.

Condoms and Other Barrier Methods: "Barrier" methods are called that because they put up a barrier or wall between the sperm and the egg. The most common one is the condom which the man puts over his penis before he puts it in you. Condoms are also the only method that can help prevent sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS. It is important that you and your partner know how to use a condom. Be sure to squeeze the tip of the condom to remove air, so it does not break. They are also not as effective as the methods listed above. To prevent pregnancy use with a spermicide or another barrier method.

There is also a female condom, which is like a plastic bag that a woman can put in her vagina. It is called Reality condom. Its advantage is that the woman has control over use.

Spermicides: foam, Inserts, Film, Sponge, Contraceptive foam, Encare ovals, contraceptive “film”, and the "sponge" are all extra forms of birth control that work best with condoms. They are not very effective by themselves. Some women and men are allergic to them. They are available at a drug store near the condoms in the Family Planning section.

Diaphragm or Cervical Cap: the diaphragm and the cervical cap are made of rubber and fit over the cervix so that sperm can´t get through. There are different sizes so you need to go to a doctor or health clinic to get fitted. You will also need to learn how to put it in. Spermicides must be used with the diaphragm and the cap.

Sterilization: when a woman is sterilized it is called a “tubal." The tubes that connect the ovaries to the uterus are cut or tied so that eggs can´t get fertilized. You should only choose a sterilization if you are sure you don´t want more children. It is very difficult and sometimes impossible to reverse a tubal. A tubal is generally done in a hospital but does not need an overnight stay.

Sterilization for a man is called a vasectomy. The tubes are cut between the entrance to the penis and where the sperm are stored. It is considered a permanent method. It can be performed in a doctor´s office. A vasectomy does not reduce sexual pleasure for the man.

“Morning After Treatment” or Emergency Contraception: this method, now marketed as Plan B, is used after unprotected sex. It is a good method to use if you forgot to use a condom or it broke. Emergency Contraception is a large dose of the same hormone in birth control pills taken after unprotected intercourse. It is most effective 12-24 hours after intercourse but may still be effective up to 120 hours after. Some women have temporary nausea with this method. It is not a good method to use regularly but it is good as a “second chance” at birth control. It is now available without a prescription for women over 18. Under 18 women need a doctor’s prescription. For more information about Emergency Contraception, call 1-800-584-9911, 24 hours a day. www.NOT-2-LATE.com or www.getthepill.com. Or, ask your regular doctor to write a prescription "just in case you need it."

 

Resources

www.sexetc.org: accurate information about sex and birth control

www.teenpregnancy.org: good source for prevention of pregnancy

www.fwhc.org/birth-control/index.htm: education handouts on all methods in English and Spanish

www.ChoiceLinkup.com: Connect to sites that have accurate information on birth control

 

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Sexually Transmitted Diseases: Protect Yourself

STD´s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) are infections that are spread through sex. If you have sex with someone who has an STD, you can get it too.

“What Can Happen To Me?”
Chlamydia and Gonorrhea, if untreated, can make it difficult to get pregnant.
Herpes causes painful sores on the genitals that come back again and again. It is also a risk for the baby at the time of delivery.
HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) causes genital warts. It can cause cervical cancer in women.
HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) , the AIDS virus causes chronic serious health problems and death. Although there are treatments for AIDS there is no cure at this time.

“How Do I Know If I Have One?”
You don´t know if your partner has an STD by looking at him/her. Most people who have an STD have no symptoms. Some warning signs include:

*sores, bumps or blisters near your mouth, genitals, or anus
*burning or irritation when you pee
*itching, pain, unusual discharge in genital area
*(for women) pain in lower belly with or without a fever
*(for women) bleeding between periods

If you have had sex without a condom, sex with more than one person, or sex when a condom broke, you should get tested. Your doctor, family planning clinic, or county health department can do a test for you. If your test is positive, take all the medicine they give you and go back to get re-tested. You can get STD´s more than once. Your partner and everyone that you each had sex with should be tested and treated.

“What if I Get AIDS”
AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) is caused by HIV, a virus that attacks your body´s immune system, so you can´t fight off many infections and cancers. There are some treatments that help people live longer and be healthier. These treatments work better when HIV is discovered early, so testing is very important.

You can get infected with HIV during sex or shooting drugs with needles that others have used. HIV can be passed from a mother to her baby.

Testing is usually free at your county health department or available at doctor´s offices and clinics. Your partner should also be tested.

How can I protect myself?

Not having sex at all is the only real way to protect yourself from STD´s. If you are sexually active, practice “safer sex”:

*Use a latex condom every time you have sex.
*Be prepared. Always carry a condom. (men and women)
*For extra protection use spermicides in addition to a condom.
*Both of you should get tested for STD´s including AIDS before you have sex.
*Get tested again if either of you has sex with someone else.
*Learn how to talk about protecting yourselves before you start a sexual relationship.
*Learn the correct way to use a condom.
*Remember that alcohol or drug use can impair your judgment about safe sex.


Resources

National STD Hotline 1-800-227-8922, free, confidential, M-F 8am-11pm EST

National AIDS Hotline 1-800-342-AIDS. free and confidential, 24 hours a day

 

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Protecting Future Fertility

Protecting your fertility (your ability to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term) is important. One out of every six couples have a problem that will make it very difficult or impossible to have a successful pregnancy. There are many reasons for infertility and they involve men as often as women. It is also important to know that you can prevent most things that will harm your chances of getting pregnant. If you think you have a problem, talk to your doctor or family planning clinic.

Here are the most common things that threaten fertility:
1. Sexually transmitted infections (STI´s or STD´s) are very common among people who are sexually active, especially with multiple partners. Condoms are the only protection against sexually transmitted diseases; condoms are not 100% protection but they can reduce your risk of getting an infection. Chlamydia (pronounced, cla-MIH-di-a) is one of the common sexually transmitted infections. Sometimes men or women have no symptoms at all, which means it can go unnoticed, and passed from partner to partner. If the infection is not treated with antibiotics, it can cause scar tissue in the fallopian tubes. Scar tissue would make it difficult for an egg to get fertilized or to drop down into the uterus. It can also make a tubal pregnancy or “ectopic” pregnancy more likely. 20% of women with chlamydia infections will become infertile.

For more information on sexually transmitted infections see the section on Sexually transmitted diseases: Protect yourself

In general, protect yourself in these ways:

*always use a condom
*get regular check-ups including tests for infections
*learn to talk about sex before you become sexually active with someone. Tell each other about your health, about infections, number of partners, etc.
*get tested. Both of you should get tested before you have sex and then you won´t worry about sexually transmitted infections.

2. Smoking has been found to affect the egg as well as the sperm. The nicotine and carbon monoxide found in tobacco smoke have been linked to health and pregnancy problems such as irregular menstrual cycles, ectopic (tubal) pregnancies, and a greater chance of miscarriage.

3. Hazardous chemicals and radiation. If you work around any hazardous substances it may affect the fertility of both women and men. Ask your employer for OSHA information on every chemical you work with.

4. Medications. There are a few medications that can affect fertility, though usually not permanently. If you are considering a pregnancy in the near future, ask your doctor about any medication you are taking and any known risk to fertility or pregnancy.

5. Family history of miscarriage or infertility. If there are people in your family or extended family who could not get pregnant, had several miscarriages, premature births, babies that died or had birth defects, you should discuss this with your doctor or a genetic counselor.

6. Endometriosis is a disease that causes severe pain during the menstrual period. Endometriosis is believed to be caused by tissue from the uterus moving through the fallopian tubes and growing on the ovaries or other organs. This can cause scar tissue. Endometriosis can be treated and you can feel better; talk to your doctor.

7. Excessive Dieting or Exercising can lead to problems with your hormones. Eating disorders or a very low level of body fat can cause temporary fertility problems in some women.

8. Previous Abortions or Miscarriages. An uneventful abortion, (even more than one abortion) has not been proven to cause a problem with getting pregnant again. “Uneventful” means that you did not get an infection afterwards or there wasn´t some injury during the abortion. These problems are usually rare and happen less than 1% of the time.

One or two miscarriages do not necessarily mean you will have a problem in the future. If you have had three or more miscarriages, you should consult a doctor who specializes in fertility.

9. What can I do?
Keep track of your period for several months. How long is your cycle? Count from the first day of your period until the next period. If the cylce is 40-50 days long, or less than 20 days long, tell your doctor. Also keep track of any symptoms, and ask your family about any history of these problems.

RESOURCES

www.ferre.org: For more information on Infertility, contact the Ferre Institute 124 Front St. Binghamton, NY 13905 (607) 724-4308

www.infertilityeducation.org:factual information about infertility.

www.resolve.org: Resolve—support groups for women and men who are dealing with infertility.



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Sexuality: Thinking about Sex in Your Life

Feeling sexual is a part of being human. Each group or culture has different messages and “rules” about how to be sexual. Sometimes it seems like what we feel and what we are told are very different. Researchers are looking at ways girls become sexually healthy.

Here is what they think:

Sexual Health is....

*knowing how you feel -- emotionally and in your body
*accepting your feelings as OK
*making responsible and safe choices in relationships
*making choices based on what you want, not being pressured to do what others want


Some things to consider about sex....Some questions and possible answers:
1. What´s the difference between having sexual feelings and acting on sexual feelings? Everybody has sexual feelings but we all choose to act on them differently. You get to decide what´s right for you. What´s important to you?

2. How can you express your sexual feelings? Dancing, holding hands, kissing, touching yourself, having sex with someone else are some answers to this question. What are you comfortable with?

3. How can you protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy? Can you ask for what you need to feel safer? See sections on birth control. Talk to your doctor/clinic.

4. How can you protect yourself from diseases, including HIV/AIDS? Not having intercourse, using a condom, talking with your partner about it; see section on STD´S.

5. How can you take care of your body? Get annual check-ups, including testing for disease. Eat good food. Get enough sleep. Wear your seat belt in the car. Don´t smoke, drink alcohol, or do drugs. What do you do now? What else could you do?

6. Where can you get information about sex, birth control, STD testing? Check the yellow pages under Birth Control, clinics or doctors. Ask your health teacher at school. Read books. Use the internet.

7. Who can you talk to about sexual feelings? Your parents/other family. Your friends. Counselor at clinic. School counselor.

8. How can you avoid partners who abuse you or push you into things you´re not comfortable with? Say no — it´s not ok. Tell others what is going on. Look under Domestic Violence Programs in your phone book, or under Crisis Hotlines in the community section of your phone book.

9. Where can you get medical help and information if you need it? If you don´t have a doctor or clinic already, look in the yellow pages of your phone book. Read books and pamphlets from school, health department, library, hospital. Use the internet.

10. Dr. Deborah Tolman (Wellesley Centers for Women) www.wellesley.edu/WCW/index.html

Is your menstrual period causing problems in your life?
Have you ever missed school, work, sporting events, or social activities because of menstrual cramps? When you have your period, do you have any of the following: heavy or irregular bleeding, nausea, diarrhea, constipation, stomach problems or pain, bad menstrual cramps? Do you ever have painful sexual intercourse?

If yes, you may have a disease called ENDOMETRIOSIS (end-oh-me-tree-oh-sis). It is not something you get from sex. There are things you can do to get better. You should consult a doctor who specializes in treating endometriosis and learn more about it. Some things you can do: 1. regular exercise, 2. improve nutrition, especially reducing fatty food and increasing fruits and vegetables, 3. take cramp medicine like Motrin, Advil, Midol 200, or Ibuprofen, 4. birth control or hormone therapy, 5. surgery. Talk to your doctor about what happens to you and what help there may be for you.

(Endometriosis Association at 8585 N. 76th Place Milwaukee WI 53223 1-800-992-3636, www.endometriosisAssn.org.)

RESOURCES

Dr. Deborah Tolman: Dilemmas of Desire, book on the development of healthy sexuality.
www.wellesley.edu/WCW/index.html and at www.crgs.sfsu.edu/pubs/index.htm.

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Exploring Your Feelings Afterward

If you have had an abortion, made an adoption plan for your baby, or if you had your baby and are raising it, you are definitely having feelings about it. You may feel you have changed. You may have strong feelings about other people in your life, especially your partner or your family.

When there is a lot of change or stress in your life you need to pay attention to your feelings. You also need support from the people around you. Support means that they will check in to see how you are feeling. It means they will listen when you want to talk. It doesn´t mean that they will read your mind! Sometimes we find it difficult to talk about this stuff, but we have to ask for what we need. Ask for help. Talk about your feelings. If you need more help, go back to the section on healing. Or, talk to a counselor.

The decision about whether to bring life into the world gives us a chance to look at our own lives. It is important to understand what you have learned from this decision, and what, if anything, you want to change in your life. Remember, all decisions about pregnancy require some sacrifice. How can you make the sacrifice worth it?

What are your goals in life? (example, finish school, get a job, be financially ready to have children, spend more time with your kids, etc.)


What must happen to reach your goal:


Qualities you like in yourself:


Things you want to change:


What losses have you experienced?


What have you gained? (What are the "gifts" of this decision-making process?)


What kind of life will you create for yourself now?

 

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Pregnant? We Need Your Help!!

We want to include your stories, quotes, and comments in the next edition of this workbook. We would also like your feedback on what was helpful, what wasn’t, and what is missing.


Print out and mail or fax to: Ferre Institute
Attn: Pregnancy Options Workbooks
124 Front St.
Binghamton, NY 13905
FAX (607) 724-8290
or Info@pregnancyoptions.info

 

Reader Feedback Questionnaire:

Thank you for giving us feedback on the usefulness of this workbook. We appreciate your comments.

Your age: _____ What city and state do you live in? _____________

Where did you get a copy of this workbook?


Which exercises were most helpful?


Which exercises were least helpful?


What did you like about the workbook?


What did you dislike about the workbook?


What did you want more information about?


What did you decide? _____ have a baby _____ abortion _____ adoption
or, _____ still undecided


Do you feel like you made a good decision?

Attn: Pregnancy Options Workbooks
124 Front St.
Binghamton, NY 13905
FAX (607) 724-8290
or Info@pregnancyoptions.info

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